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antimiya88) wrote2018-04-22 12:35 pm
Dark Pleasures (Part 6)
antimiya88 )
Part 6
“Cancel all my appointments. Something emerged.”
“As you wish, Matsumoto-san.”
Jun didn’t even care to reply to his PA. He didn’t like cancelling everything but he was in no state to see clients at the moment. He rubbed his temples sighing deeply. He could still feel his heart beating painfully in his chest. That day had been one of the most crucial ones not only in his years as a master but in his life in general… and it had turned out to be a disappointment. Leaning back to his leather chair, he loosened the tie he was wearing, which at the moment was suffocating him, and closed his eyes trying to keep his calm… at least, on the outside.
Why did you act so selfishly? Why did you make a mistake that I could only forgive in the beginning of our relationship? Why did you make me punish you? Why did you allow yourself to get punished?
A deeper sigh escaped from his lips, as various thoughts kept filling up his mind. He had wanted to never use pain as a measure of punishment because he knew the other was genuinely not fond of… Nino had never talked to him of his first master in detail but Jun was certain that his denial was linked to bad experiences coming from that bastard. It was the reason why he had tried to have control and not apply the amount of power he wished… because if he hurt Nino more than the latter could handle, he would have been in pain, too.
Why did you hurt us both like that?
“You didn’t utter the safe word…” he muttered to himself as he stood up coming closer to the large window with heavy steps. He let his gaze fall on the busy streets without really paying attention. All he could see in front of his eyes was the reddened skin of his submissive as he pulled his trousers up. “I could see it in your eyes, Ninomiya, the shock, the pain, the regret… You knew what you had done was wrong; very wrong… but… why?” Jun was breathing faster as he kept murmuring the words that couldn’t hold in him any longer. “Why didn’t you trust me? And me the stupid… I thought I had managed to bring us to that level of trust where egoistical impulses like that had no place, no reason for existence, but I guess I was wrong. Have I been this wrong, Ninomiya? Have I been a bad master to you?”
A clenched fist landed on the window as Jun ticked his tongue behind his teeth. He was angry… angry with himself. Had he really done a good job as a master or not? The other had told him that what he wanted the most was to feel safe. Could it be that he wasn’t? Nino’s action could be justified only by the fact that he felt threatened… which meant that their relationship was not as strong as Jun had been thinking.
The truth was that he felt lost. For the first time in his life, Jun felt lost… and somehow vulnerable. He had decided to open this part of his life, he always kept for himself to the other, and take a step further having it only backfire at him. He knew he needed to have a clear conversation with his submissive. He had asked him many times if there was anything Nino wanted to discuss with him but the other always seemed to hesitate… not that Jun couldn’t read between the lines. He could… and he had. The only problem is that he thought he could test him first and then decide to have this conversation with him himself. After all everything that happened though, he was starting to think that perhaps it wasn’t the best plan… or at least, not something that worked correctly in the end.
I should have insisted that you told me everything… I know you’ve been thinking a lot… I know you fear of losing what we have… It was exactly that that made me want to try… seeing that you didn’t want to lose what we had built and created in these past few months we’ve been together… but perhaps, I was wrong. Had I known you were under so many questions and doubts, I would have acted sooner…
Jun knew that he shared the responsibility for Nino’s wrong behavior but that didn’t justify the latter’s actions. Nino had to speak to him, tell him what he felt, what his thoughts were, something before he acted this impulsively.
“Damn it!” Jun cursed out loud before going back to his desk, passing his hand through his hair. He looked at his watch, a small hiss leaving the back of his throat. How easily had time passed?! With a raising pulse, he took his phone in hand to see, if he would have received the usual text from the other. He had… Despite everything you didn’t forget it… Jun thought, a hint of smile appearing on his face for the first time that evening. Could it be that there was still a ray of light in the horizon? At least, Nino showed him that he could tell apart what he was supposed to do and what not. This time, he had behaved.
From: Ninomiya
I wanted to inform you that I
have arrived back at home.
I’m in my room.
I’m truly sorry, master.
Jun’s fingers quickly started writing his reply.
To: Ninomiya
I don’t know what time I’ll come home.
You stay in your room as asked.
Don’t even let cross your mind
to prepare anything. I will decide
when I’ll be there.
Jun reread his text several times before he pressed the send button. He knew he was harsh but he had to be. He had to make sure that there were no more misunderstandings. Feelings was something different. This was their BDSM relationship and there were no margins left for mistakes or doubts from the other side. Things had to be clear once and for all.
Once the text was sent, Jun asked his PA to bring him a coffee and tried to work on the project presentation his production manager had sent him earlier this morning. He needed to take his mind off Nino before going back home. He couldn’t risk seeing the other without having made up his mind beforehand. He needed to be sure exactly what he wanted, what he expected and what he envisioned for their future.
He took a large sip of the hot coffee before rolling his shirt sleeves up till his elbows. “Now, let’s focus!”
***
When Jun arrived back at his loft, it was dark outside. He had managed to focus on his work for a couple of hours before he decided to call it a day and go back home. The truth was that he hesitated to do so. He didn’t know what to expect. He put the keys into the lock and opened the door without making any noise. There were no lights on, which was a good sign. It meant that Nino had obeyed and stayed up in his room. He placed his leather bag and jacket on the sofa before going to check the kitchen. There was no sign of having used it. He looked up to the stairs sighing deeply. It was time to face him. He climbed up the stairs trying to be as soundless as possible.
He noticed the door of Nino’s room wasn’t firmly closed but he couldn’t get angry with him for that. He knew well how much Nino hated the isolation. He wouldn’t dare to make him uncomfortable, even if it was punishment. Earlier, he had tried not to hit him with too much force… The same way, now, he wouldn’t keep him locked in a room to make his point clear. What mattered to him was that his submissive had listened to his him and obeyed his request.
What gained his attention though was that the room was also dark I didn’t tell you to stay in the dark… why…would you…? Jun couldn’t continue his thought. He had come closer and from the little opening of the door, he could see that the bed was empty. He looked closer, his eyes bulging when he saw his submissive being curled up on the floor in the opposite corner of the room, close to the window, sitting down with his face pressed against his knees that were brought up to his chest. He looked like a kid… fragile and vulnerable. It was a sight that hurt Jun, just like a knife, covered with salt, in an open wound.
It hurt a lot because he cared for the other a lot. With all his previous submissives, he still would not like it but in no way would he feel this miserable like he did at the moment. Right now, it was as if Nino’s punishment was also his… but then, wasn’t it? It was… because he was at fault as well… there was no doubt about that. He had allowed this mess to happen… he hadn’t seen the signs… he had been too coward to talk before he acted…
His hands were aching to touch the other, hug him so that he felt safe but he couldn’t do that without having cleared things up first. His heart clenched listening to the muffled sobs. How long have you been crying, Kazunari? He took a deep breath before entering inside the room but the other didn’t move from his spot. It was obvious that Nino hadn’t heard him. Jun leaned against the wall looking at him. It really hurt him so much seeing the other being in such a state. He hated it…
“I’m back.” he said in a low voice, trying to sound unaffected. He didn’t want to betray his weakness… not at this moment… as much as he wanted to run to the other and reassure him, he knew that such a weakness could destroy everything they had built up. As much as he loved the other, there was no way that he could live out of that lifestyle. He yet didn’t know how he’d manage things but Jun knew well how much being a master meant to him.
“Ma… ma… ster…” Nino’s weak, trembling voice wasn’t helping.
“Why have you stayed in the dark?” Jun said in the same calm tone as he went to light the lamp on one of the bedside tables up. “I just asked you to remain here.”
“I… I’m sorry… I didn’t-”
“I’m not mad at you because of that, Ninomiya.” Jun hurried to reassure him. Sighing, he came closer to the sobbing mess on the floor, making him sit on the bed. “I’m just mentioning it because I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable… at least, more than you can handle.”
“But… I’m at… fault… I-”
“That’s why you didn’t utter the safe word back in the office when I hit you?” Jun was looking closely into his submissive’s eyes. It was obvious that the other knew how wrong he had been. The only problem was to act like this exactly because he knew that… and perhaps was afraid that unless he accepted all the punishments, he wouldn’t get forgiven.
“Ninomiya. Please, tell me that it wasn’t something above your limits. Even if it’s a punishment, I had been clear with you from the very beginning of this relationship. I would never-”
“It didn’t. I… can assure you of… of that, master. I deserved it…”
“But-”
“I could tell that you… tried to… control your…self…” At the last words, Nino broke again. “And that’s… what… makes me so… guilty… Even after what… I did… you…” the phrase was never finished as harder sobs hit the small-figured man.
Jun rubbed his forehead. “We will talk about it. But now it’s already too late and we’re both tired. There’s a lot to talk about and that requires a clear head. Go to have a quick shower.”
Nino looked at him with his red, puffy eyes and nodded not daring to say nothing more. Jun sighed again. He had to be strong and wait till morning. Right now, it wasn’t the right time… for anyone of them… They were both too emotional and that would only be a disadvantage.
Jun prepared a toast for the other, not wanting to let him sleep without having eaten first. Nino had eaten nothing all day. The lunch in his office never took place and then, he had spent all the afternoon in his room… Ten minutes later, he went back to the room to find it empty. He checked in the small bathroom just to find the other crying in the bathtub.
Kazunari…
His heart clenched painfully at the sight. It was more difficult than he had ever imagined. He had never seen the other so broken and in the same time, he had never felt so vulnerable himself. The other had his back on him… It was strange how much smaller Nino looked in Jun’s eyes at that moment. Jun roamed his eyes on Nino’s back… moving lower until he saw them. The red spots on his submissive’s buttocks. His hands clenched into fists. He was angry with himself and he was angry with the other for having made him do something like that.
He didn’t know how many minutes he had been standing like this but he couldn’t bear seeing Nino like this any longer. He approached him from behind and took the shower head from his submissive’s trembling hands to rinse the soap from his back. He caught Nino’s surprised gasp but decided to say nothing. Silently, he made sure the other was ok before taking the bathrobe from the side and placing it on top of the narrow shoulders.
“Step out, now.”
He turned Nino around, the bathrobe hanging on his body. Jun gently took the latter’s hands to put it on properly. Nino complied without saying anything but also didn’t dare to look Jun in the eye. His head was hanging down. Jun knew the other would start crying again in any minute and didn’t want that.
“I have prepared a toast for you. Come.”
It was then that Nino’s eyes met his… The first time from this close. “But-” the smaller man whispered, making Jun bite his inner lower lip not to yell at him how much he loved him and how much it hurt him looking at him like this. But it wasn’t the time… not before they actually talked.
“I won’t allow you go to sleep unfed. You haven’t had any food all day.” Jun said in the same calm tone, not wanting to cause any more stress to the other.
His eyes moved on the naked body as it was seen from the open bathrobe. Pale and soft… He wanted to touch it… his right hand was already moving to the collarbones. The moment they did so, he felt Nino tremble. He looked up and found the latter staring at him with a mixture of confusion and hope. He sighed.
“C’mon…” Jun muttered as he folded the bathrobe and secured it with its belt. Seconds later, they were both back to Nino’s bedroom. “Put on your pajamas.” Jun said in a low voice, having decided not to leave the other until he had made sure Nino would be dressed and warm. “Eat the toast.” He said as he put Nino in the bed. “Please…” he added in a gentler tone.
“I… will sleep… here, won’t… I?” Nino asked in an almost inexistent voice.
Jun could tell the other already knew… but then again, he needed to hear it… “Ninomiya…”
Nino hurried to shake his head. “It was stupid of me to ask, master. I knew I would sleep here. Don’t… don’t worry.”
Jun took the plate with the toast he had prepared and went to sit by the other’s side. “Believe me, Ninomiya. It’s not something that makes me happy but it’s necessary. Only for tonight. But please, eat.” Jun took a piece in his hand and gave it to Nino. “I don’t want you to sleep without having eaten anything…, ok?”
“I will try to eat, master. I promise. Good night.”
Jun sighed again. There were many things he wanted to say to the other but chose to hush. He needed to take his time. The sight of the sobbing mess that was named Nino and had witnessed earlier surely didn’t help him judge the situation objectively… which was not something a good master would do.
“Good night, Ninomiya.”
Jun didn’t dare to throw another glance to the figure in the bed. He wouldn’t have the power to leave, if he turned his head and met those red, teary eyes, one more time. He closed the door and leaned against it, closing his eyes tightly. Be strong, Jun… You have to be strong… He walked to his bedroom without even caring to go to the kitchen and take the toast he had made for himself. Nothing could go down his throat at this state. Once inside, he looked at the empty bed only to feel emptier inside.
“How can a night be good without having you sleeping next to me, Kazunari? How?”
***
Nino looked at the plate placed in front of him. He hadn’t eaten anything all day but still didn’t have any feeling of appetite. He had spent all afternoon remembering the disappointment he had seen in his master’s eyes. He had promised he would try to eat some… It was Jun who had prepared it for him but as much as he wanted to, he couldn’t. After the first bite, he left it on the bedside table before turning the lights off. He turned on his side, his eyes falling out of the window.
Jun hadn’t yelled at him. On the contrary. He had spoken to him gently, calmly. He had helped him out of the shower. He had made the toast… Even after what he had done, his master was showing him that he cared for him and that was what made him feel guiltier. He had been an idiot. He knew that. All these hours, he had been fearing he had caused the end of this relationship and that thought made him feel vulnerable. It had been years since he had felt like this. Too many years… he had almost forgotten how it was to be in such a position but that day, alone in his room, all he could feel is fear of rejection, an ending he didn’t want to see coming and that made his heart beat fast like it used to when he was with him… when he was still inexperienced.
Three hours later and he was still turning from side to side trying in vain to find a comforting position. He was feeling his throat dry. He sat up to drink some water when he heard a door opening followed by steps that stopped outside his bedroom. His heart was thumping dangerously fast in his chest. He wasn’t the only one that couldn’t sleep that night.
He had almost stopped breathing when he saw the door knob moving a bit from its position just to be left seconds later. The door didn’t open. After a while, steps were heard again, this time, followed by the sound of the same door closing. Nino knew the one at fault was him; only him. He closed his eyes tightly trying to hold his tears back.
“I’m sorry, master… I’m so sorry…”
He fell on his back, his eyes focusing on the ceiling; not that he could distinguish anything in the darkness of the room but he had the need to focus on something. Would he be given a chance to turn things round tomorrow morning? He really didn’t know what to expect. The more he thought about it, the more he felt afraid of losing the other. He was feeling more and more vulnerable, alone as he was in the room. He had thought to go and open the door or go to sleep downstairs on the sofa… but then, he had to stay there… He had to prove that he was strong enough to cope with the night. He had to behave… he had to be strong. He just needed to wait for the morning to come.
Nino knew that this was his last chance. He couldn’t afford of doing another mistake. He had to make sure he wouldn’t put an end into something he had been looking out for so many years. Honesty. That was the key. He had been reluctant at first but that caused him passing the night alone… he had to open his heart to Jun. His master had asked him, hadn’t he? “Tell me whatever thought may cross your mind concerning us,” had been the actual words. He could still remember them coming out of his master’s mouth back when they were starting officially. Trust and openness. These two were the pillars to make things work between them and make their relationship solid; unbreakable; durable in time.
“Yet I failed him…” he murmured under his breath in a breaking voice.
He felt tears building up in his eyes again, blurring his eyesight. He hadn’t slept and he was sure he wouldn’t feel sleepy any time soon.
It wasn’t like his master was unaffected… he had seen it in his eyes while he helped him in the bathroom, from the sandwich he had prepared for him as well as from the gentle tone of his voice. He hadn’t yelled; he hadn’t been too cold either. And hearing him walking till his room proved that Jun couldn’t sleep either.
He dared to think that he hadn’t lost everything. He probably still had a shot with his master but then, why had he behaved this badly? Almost like a misfit in the world of submission. He pulled the covers up to his face and took a deep breath.
He took a couple of deep breaths, closing his eyes. In a few hours, he’d have the chance to speak with his master and explain. Right now, he had to sleep… even if it was away from Jun.
---
“You’ve been a bad boy, Nino.”
Nino knew that voice. He didn’t remember when it was the last time he’d heard it but it still sounded too familiar in his ears… unfortunately. He felt shivers running down his spine… unpleasant ones. He felt his heartbeat rising, as his heart was filling with fear. He had been wrong. Again. Why couldn’t he be the good slave the master wanted him to? Why did he always have to make the other unhappy when the latter was caring for him?
His master came closer. He wasn’t that taller than him but he had a broader body and his whole presence was imposing enough for the young slave.
Nino didn’t dare to move from his spot. He knew from experience that it would only make things worse. A hand came to trace his face, moving from his chin upwards, to his cheek, his forehead before it got attached to his hair on top of his head, pulling it back with such a force that made him flinch.
“You know that I hate punishing you, Nino… You told me you could be the perfect slave for me, yet every single day you disappoint me. You prove me wrong. I’m not happy, Nino. And you know your main task is to make me happy.”
“I’m sorr-”
A harsh slap landed on Nino’s cheek, not giving him the chance to finish his word. “Did I say you can speak?!” Nino cursed inside. He hadn’t… the other hadn’t allowed him to speak yet he had… again… he was making a mistake… again… “You’ll get two more for the two words you dared to utter! But that will come later. Now, I need to not see you!”
Nino didn’t try to oppose as he was pushed out of the bed and dragged to the small room that was supposed to be a small stock room. He hardly could stand on his feet without his head touching the ceiling. It was suffocating… and he hated it… he hated being isolated in there. Yet, when he was thrown in the darkness like some bag of garbage, he didn’t dare to utter a single word… it would only increase the number of hits later. He had to focus and be strong… because it was the only way for him to finally become the submissive or more correctly the slave, to use his master’s preferable term, he had always dreamt of.
He closed his eyes in an attempt to regulate his breathing. Why had he behaved like this? He knew his master would keep him safe, didn’t he? He frowned. ‘No… I was afraid he’d kill me… but he wouldn’t… he was just holding my neck… he had spoken of the breath play… and I agreed… then why?’ Nino tried to ignore the little voice that told him it was because the other had put onto him more pressure up to a point his eyesight was starting getting blurry. But maybe he was overthinking about things. His master had told him that he cared for him… So, it couldn’t be his master’s fault. No. It wasn’t his master’s fault. It was his… only his.
He wanted to fall on the ground, his legs were killing him, but couldn’t… there wasn’t enough space for him to even kneel properly… So, he stayed there leaning his back against the cold wall the best way he could. At some point, he lost the sense of time. Being locked in complete darkness and in such a small space wasn’t helping much. He had stopped thinking. It only made him feel more anxious; that until he heard steps coming closer. The door finally got unlocked, making him frown from the sudden light that filled the room.
“Step out.” His master’s voice sounded cold. Dark. Like it always did under such circumstances.
Nino gulped. He knew exactly what this voice meant. He was led to the play room where he was made to stand up with his hands tied up together above his head with a rope that was hanging from the ceiling. He closed his eyes.
“If I hear the slightest sound, you know what this means…”
Nino only nodded. He knew well. It was then that the first hit landed on his back. He bit his lower lip powerfully to not allow the moan that was threatening to escape from the back of his throat to be heard. The whip that landed on his skin, this time, was different. It had small edges on its length, making the pain two times more intense. He had to take deep breaths. Soon, it would be over… but… then again, why was he complaining? He deserved it… Once again, he had been a bad boy.
He knew it but the pain got worse minute after minute and Nino, no matter how much he had tried to stay silent, in the end, he simply couldn’t. It was when a hit landed on a little higher than his buttocks that he let out the first scream. It hurt too much…
---
Jun frowned in his sleep. Something was off. When it happened again, he was completely awake. A scream. And it was coming from Nino’s bedroom. He sat up on his bed and turned the lamp on. It was almost 4 am. Without putting his slippers on, he hurried to his submissive’s room. He opened the door just to find the other squirming in his bed. As Jun came closer, he could see that Nino was dreaming, his pale face being covered in sweat. It was obvious that he was having a nightmare.
Jun felt a pain of guiltiness piercing through his heart. Maybe he had overdone it… He had seen the discomfort but the other hadn’t uttered a single word. Maybe because he’s afraid that he’d make a mistake… “Stupid…!” Jun groaned under his breath as he sat at the side of the bed. He knew that this stupid applied more to him rather than the smaller man who was still lost in his dreams.
He tried to wake Nino up but the other kept moving around in frantic moves, mumbling things. It was only when Jun leaned closer that he realized the other was begging his master to stop hitting him. His eyes narrowed… Could Nino dream of his earlier punishment? Had he been this wrong? He was about to try to wake the other up again when he realized Nino was muttering something about a room under the stairs and how he was still inexperienced. He realized that the other wasn’t dreaming of him but thanks to him, he was dreaming of that bastard, that first supposed-to-be master of his.
Without letting any more time pass by, Jun hugged the other, bringing him close to his body, his lips attached to the top of Nino’s head, pressing softly against the covered-in-sweat hair.
“I’m right here, Kazunari… You’re safe… You’re safe… I’m right here…” he kept mumbling in a soft tone close to his slave’s ear, while pressing him against him. He was feeling guilty. He hadn’t made sure Nino was feeling safe. The other didn’t show any signs of waking up but at least, he stopped squirming around. A couple of minutes later, the smaller man finally was more relaxed, his breathing rhythm turning slower and more even.
Jun didn’t move. He couldn’t leave him alone. This is the second time you prove to be an inadequate master, Jun… he thought sighing deeply. Not only had he made the other having doubts about their relationship but also made him experience so much stress. He knew why all that had happened. He should have decided to speak… to make the other speak to him and open up even if he had to force it out of him. They kept postponing it having as a result this mess… because it was a complete mess for Jun.
“I’m here with you, Kazunari… You’re not alone…” he kept reassuring the other speaking the words like a soft lullaby in his ears, his hands around the slim waist.
He stayed in the same position until the first sunrays hit his face. He turned his eyes outside where he saw the sun, reddish, as it was, rising up in the horizon. He hadn’t been able to sleep again but he didn’t really feel sleepy. What mattered was that Nino had spent the rest of the night sleeping peacefully. Jun’s lips curved into a small smile when he noticed the way Nino’s hands were holding his T-shirt; as if his life was depending on him… like a little kid who is afraid of being on his own. He bit his lower lip at this second thought.
He leaned closer to the other and pressed his lips on Nino’s forehead. The soft touch helped him relax. He needed this small moment of silence and calmness. He’d lie if he said he wasn’t anxious for the talk that would come once the sunrays got stronger outside. Deep inside, he knew what Nino wanted to tell him… but then again, he didn’t know exactly what the smaller man had in his mind, how that would impact on their relationship… So many questions… yet the one he feared the most, was if the other trusted him. What Jun knew positively was that he cared for him… liked him… didn’t want to lose him… because he had endured everything yesterday without uttering a single word. But did that automatically mean that Nino also trusted him and if yes, how much? Was it enough for them to continue being together and if yes, on what basis?
He tightened his hold around the other a little more and closed his eyes. His heart was pounding in his chest. He loved how Nino felt in his arms… his scent, his warmth… He loved Nino’s presence… He loved being with him… or more correctly he loved him and that made him more scared; more nervous.
Jun opened his eyes again, letting them fall on his submissive’s face. Nino looked so peaceful and beautiful like this. The sunrays, that were illuminating the whole room from the large window, were falling on his face, making all the small details of his, all those moles that Jun loved, stand out more than usual. A smile appeared on his face as he let his hand caress the soft hair.
You’re so beautiful… so beautiful… I don’t want to lose you… I want us to always be together, Kazunari…
He pressed another kiss on the same spot before he got out of the bed careful not to wake the other up. He was about to leave when he saw the toast, he had prepared the previous night, left almost untouched on the bedside table. Sighing, he took the plate and walked out of the room closing the door behind him as soundlessly as possible.
Nino hadn’t eaten anything. It wasn’t that Jun expected him to have eaten it all but he hoped the other had managed to take a few bites.
“I guess I need to prepare a good breakfast…” he muttered as he placed the plate on the kitchen table. “We won’t talk until he’s eaten properly.”
***
Nino frowned, feeling the sun hitting on his face. He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hands before opening them slowly to adjust to the light. He didn’t remember how he had fallen asleep last night, the same way he didn’t remember how he had stopped having those horrific nightmares. A shiver ran down his spine as he recalled pieces of those horrible dreams for a moment. They had been real, too real, he dared to say, and it had been a while since he last had them. As a matter of fact, it had been years… he had managed to forget how it felt to be with that sick bastard. But then again it had been years since the last time he felt that vulnerable. This time though the one who had caused it was no one else but himself.
Nino sat up on the bed looking around with a small frown. At some point, it felt as if his first master could no longer touch him; not even approach him… as if he wasn’t alone… as if he was safe. He crossed his arms around his belly, hugging himself loosely. He felt like that only when Jun was there with him… but he wasn’t…, right?
He jumped out of the bed and went to check the small bathroom in the room. No one. “But… I felt it… felt him being with me…” he muttered to himself, lost as he was in his thoughts. Could it be that it was nothing more than his deepest wish? “Maybe I just imagi-” he didn’t have the chance to finish his words. The plate with the toast wasn’t there. Jun had been to his room. “Jun…”
He didn’t care to change his clothes as he hurried downstairs only to find the other in the kitchen preparing breakfast.
“Ma… master…?!”
“Good morning. I’ve made you breakfast.”
Nino saw him placing a glass of orange juice on the table before coming closer to him.
“This time you’ll eat. I can’t stand it knowing you’ve eaten nothing for 24 hours!” Jun’s voice sounded authoritarian, leaving him no option but to do as asked. He felt tears building up in his eyes because he could trace nothing else but concern behind that tone…
He looked up at Jun who was staring back at him. “Thank you.” He whispered in an almost soundless voice. He saw his master gasping and he knew Jun had understand everything that was hiding behind this ‘thank you’. Thank you for the toast last night. Thank you for the breakfast this morning. Thank you for not yelling. Thank you for caring about me. Thank you for having been there even when I made such a mistake. Thank you for everything.
“Please, Ninomiya, eat.”
“Yes, master.” Nino whispered before starting cutting the french omelette he had in front of him. Somehow, he was feeling better… maybe he hadn’t lost everything.
***
Thirty minutes later, Nino was led to the living room. He knew it was time to speak openly to the other.
“Master…, I-”
“What did that supposed-to-be master did to you?”
Jun’s words made Nino stop. The submissive looked at the other man, noticing how annoyed he was.
“Mast-”
“Why didn’t you tell me that it was above your powers to stay in your room, last night?”
“I didn’t m-” Nino tried once again to speak in vain. It was obvious that Jun wouldn’t listen to him.
“Even after the mistake you made, which undoubtedly was a serious one, I wouldn’t allow you to be in a such stressed position… for any reason… ever. I could tell that it wasn’t something you’d really feel comfortable but I believed, like back in the office when… I… well did that,” Jun’s voice turned lower as he spoke the last words “… it wasn’t surpassing your limits. I believed that you’d tell me… I had told you that you could tell me. Yet you didn’t. Hearing you scream was…”
Nino saw Jun closing his eyes and taking a deep breath to calm himself. “Did I… scream out loud?” Oh my God… Does this mean that I also spoke out loud? Did you hear all those… things… meant for… him?
“Yes.” Jun replied in a serious tone. It was why I understood that you couldn’t handle it and… why.” The last word left no doubt to Nino that his master had understood everything. “I couldn’t handle it… seeing you like this… Why didn’t you tell me? What exactly was he doing?”
“I…”
“The truth.”
Nino sighed. “He was hardcore. Of course, I didn’t know that. He hadn’t told me anything. In the beginning, things were going alright but slowly, he started demanding more things… I was still trying to figure things out so I couldn’t tell the difference. I thought that I was doing something wrong… when he was trying to make me the good submissive I’ve always dreamt of becoming, I was only making mistakes. So, I tried to make myself stronger, convince me that I was just not trying as hard as I should.”
“What were his limits?” Jun asked in a serious tone.
“He would… do breath play, pain play… It always was… a bit too much for me…”
“And how did he punish you?”
“Usually, he’d use more pain or restriction… some other times he’d ignore me for days… in the worst cases, he would…” Nino tried to take a deep breath. “…lock me in a small storage room under the stairs of his house which was so small that I couldn’t even sit down properly. It was pitch dark…”
“If only I could get my hands on this asshole…” Jun growled with his hands fisted on his sides.
Nino came closer to him and knelt down on the floor in front of him. “He’s not worth it, master.”
“He is. He… I…” Jun sighed avoiding to look into Nino’s eyes, preferring locking his gaze on his lap. “Why didn’t you tell me that keeping you in your bedroom was above what you could handle?”
“Because I honestly thought I could handle it… I mean… I never expected to remember those moments…”
“You felt vulnerable… not safe… and that was because of me… Why didn’t you say something? Anything?” Jun brushed his hair with his hands. “I had told you that if there’s one thing I want more than anything in this relationship is to make you feel safe and yesterday I failed. I failed you as your master.”
“No! It was me who failed you. I didn’t speak because I was worth it, master. Deep inside I knew you wouldn’t betray me or do anything against what we have agreed upon… I knew it and yet I made that mistake… I acted egoistically. I failed you as your… submissive.”
Jun didn’t miss the way Nino’s face contracted as he muttered the last word. “Kazunari…, I’m sorry.”
Nino looked up surprised to listen his name and the gentleness with which it was spoken. It was honest. Nino knew the apology was honest.
“Master…”
Jun’s hands came to cup both his cheeks, their gazes meeting so close for the first time after the incident at Jun’s office.
“Will you be honest with me?”
“I promise you, master, I’ll-”
“Listen to me.” Jun didn’t leave him the chance to finish, knowing that it was hard for both of them. “I need you to tell me the truth. The whole truth, whatever it is. What your real thoughts or doubts or fears are. I really need to know what’s on your mind about you, me, us. I won’t act without thinking first. I won’t judge you. I will listen to you. I will evaluate everything you have to tell me. I just want to know the truth.”
Nino nodded, not having the power to reply at that moment. He took a deep breath as he was made to sit by Jun’s side, his master’s hand holding his protectively. His heart was still pounding crazily in his chest but he felt a bit more relaxed than before.
“Why did you do that in the office?”
There was no trace of anger hidden behind the words. Only curiosity, a need to understand.
“I…” Nino hesitated for a moment. “Because I got jealous.”
“Jealous? You’re my submissive, Ninomiya.” Jun replied wanting to push the other in order to tell him everything.
“I know. I know I am and there’s nothing I want more. Believe me.”
“Then, why, Ninomiya?”
“I’m sorry, but apart from loving being your submissive, I… I ended up loving being with you… loving… you.” The words finally had been spoken.
Jun closed his eyes. “What… what does that mean, Ninomiya?”
Nino tried to calm his breathing before he looked straight into his master’s eyes. He dared to hold the hand above him in return. It was still there. Their fingers were still linked together. “I… love you, Jun.”
“Then…, you mean you no longer want to be my submissive?”
Nino didn’t know how to interpret the fact that the other hadn’t commented on his confession. But he knew he had to fight.
“Of course, I want to be your submissive. I can’t live without having that in my life. I happily gave up my work, I happily live here under the rules we-”
“Yet, those feelings of yours made you take an initiative that doesn’t belong to a submissive and you know it. Your behavior, back in my office, Ninomiya, was…”
“Egoistical… I admit it. And wrong.”
“Such romantic feelings bring a sentiment of possessiveness. Then… how can this work? It’s contradictive.”
“I… I just-”
“You did what you did because you wanted to prove that I was yours. A master cannot belong to his submissive. He’s there for his submissive. He dedicates himself to his submissive’s happiness but it’s the submissive who belongs to the master, even if it is in a way symbolic. The collar around your neck is the proof of it.”
“I know.” Nino admitted in a low voice with his head lowered.
“Then?”
“I just… I want both.” There was no reason for him to hide any longer. He wanted both.
“And if I can’t give them to you?”
Nino closed his eyes. He would lie if he said he didn’t fear of that. “Then, I’d still be happy. I told you before, master. I don’t want to stop being your submissive… for nothing in the world.”
“But you wouldn’t feel complete in our relationship.” Jun insisted.
“I would. Because you’d know how I feel and by still being by your side, it would mean that in a way you accepted it, me and my feelings, even if you can’t return them. I could never demand such a thing from you. I won’t say that it’s something I don’t wish for but knowing that I’m with you while you know the whole truth, that’s enough for me. In a way, I’d feel complete, master.”
“Is that all?”
“Yes.” Nino replied in a whisper.
For several minutes there was a nerve-wracking silence filling the room around them. None of them didn’t know what to say next. Nino didn’t dare to speak again. Jun hadn’t yelled, hadn’t rushed to send him away or even reply to him. He had listened to him exactly like he had promised him. Whatever may Nino listen afterwards, he still felt relieved in a way because there were no more hidden truths between them and that alone was refreshing.
After a while, Jun sighed deeply. “I care for you, Ninomiya. I really do. At first, I didn’t know why and how. I couldn’t explain it… which is what made me try to search in me… find out that why. I had realized that I loved holding you in my arms as much as I loved having you spread on my bed, having you in my mercy, seeing you following my every wish. I realized I loved being around you. Occasionally, I’d find myself smiling without any particular reason. Your presence in here made me happier… more… complete as a person.”
Nino gasped. He turned his gaze to Jun’s face who was staring at some blank spot on the wall across the room. Could that mean…?
“You are the first one to come to my office. It’s something that I always kept for myself… The one place I separated from my life with my submissives. There, I’m simply Matsumoto Jun; not the master, Matsumoto Jun. With you, I felt the need to have you in all aspects of my life… to infuse, if you want, these two parts of my life. I wanted to take the risk for once… I wanted us to be something more than just master and sub. I wanted to overcome my doubts, to prove them wrong… I wanted to believe that it could actually work… that it wouldn’t risk the balance of our relationship because as much as I care about you, Kazunari. I still want to be your master. I still want to call you Ninomiya. Not because I want to keep a cold distance between us but because I can’t live without it. The need for power and control is something like oxygen for me…”
Jun cleared his throat a bit before he continued. “But… when you did that without permission, it was as if all these doubts were getting real. In the same time, I realized that not only wouldn’t I be in position to take our relationship to the next level but also that I hadn’t done a very good job as a master so far. Because if you felt doubts, if you felt threatened which is why your jealousy, as you admitted earlier, got triggered, then it was my fault. I hadn’t managed to reassure you as I should have.”
“But I-”
“Let me finish, Ninomiya. The thing is that I fear… I fear that it won’t work… that it will probably bring us up to a point where we won’t be able to overcome the difficulties that may occur and find us in a situation from where we could only-”
Jun couldn’t finish his words as Nino hugged him tightly. “Nino-…? Are you crying?”
Nino pressed himself more onto the other, not caring if he could do that. “I was stupid. I was so stupid because I hadn’t spoken… all this time, all kinds of thoughts were driving me crazy… I was afraid you’d send me away if you found out the truth… exactly because it was contradictive… like you said. I knew that I shouldn’t feel that way but couldn’t help it. But after all this… after having seen the disappointment in your eyes, after my mistake yesterday, I realized that it only made things worse. It hurt me way more than the hits on my lower back. I realized that exactly because I love you there’s nothing that I want more than seeing you happy. That alone is enough for me. And now, that you know… I want to reassure you…”
“Kazunari…”
“I’m sorry for disappointing you. And never think that you failed. From the very beginning, you had asked me to always be honest and speak to you, especially if it was for something as important as that. I chose not to open up because I was afraid… It was my mistake… my biggest mistake.”
“I also didn’t speak.”
Nino shook his head negatively. “But you did. You tried to by inviting me to your office… it’s just that I didn’t realize it. I was blinded by my own doubts…”
Jun moved Nino a little back so that he could meet his eyes. He had understood…
“You… you believe we should try?”
Nino’s shy smile grew bigger, the tears continuing to stain his cheeks. Only that this time they were from overwhelming feelings; penitence, relief, joy… “Yes.”
“And you think we… can succeed in achieving the balance needed?”
It was the first time Nino had heard Jun this reluctant… His master sounded almost vulnerable. He knew that at that moment, he didn’t speak as his master but as Jun… as an equal to equal.
“Yes. I have faith in us…”
“We need to talk… a lot… about the form… the possible changes in our current relationship and put boundaries… decide when and how-”
“I just want to know that I can hold you at night… outside, down the street… only a few moments… not necessarily everyday… Just knowing that I can love you more than for being my master is enough.”
Jun couldn’t hold himself any longer. He took the smaller man in his arms holding him closely. “There’s one last thing you need to know.”
“Yes, master?”
“Right now, I talk to you as Jun. Not as your master.”
“Yes…, Jun?” Nino whispered with a trembling voice.
“I love you, too, Kazunari.”
TO BE CONTINUED…
A.N. Sooo minna here’s next chapter!! ^_^ I know it’s been a while since the last time I posted but rl turned even crazier when I thought it couldn’t! xP I have way too many things to do every day and most of the times, when I had some free time, I was too tired to write. So, this time my pace was really slow but at least, once again you get a long chapter (which I hope makes up a bit for it). *bows apologetically* There’s also a small surprise! There will be one more chapter since this one would turn into a monster if I didn’t split it in two! xD The next one is already half-written and I hope I’ll have it done in the following week! :)
In this one, I tried to show how many feelings were fighting in both of them and how deeply they care for each other. I also tried to show bits of Nino’s ‘relationship’ with that first master of his. And of course, in the end we had Matsumiya’s confessions! They both have doubts and fears but at least, they’re honest with each other and can find the balance they need to be completely happy together! :)
I really hope you enjoyed it and as always your comments, even the smallest ones, are <333!!!
See you (hopefully) very soon,
Andy
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This chapter and the one before were so intense, how everything between Jun and Nino suddenly changed. When Nino made this mistake in Jun's office, I really felt for them both. Then the punishment, the spanking. And this chapter here, reading the whole thing from Jun's POV was great. It was so intense to know how worried he was, and confused, and how he hated punishing Nino, and didn't know if he went too far or not. How he held Nino in his arms when he suffered from his nightmares (this previous master of his was an ass. Truly abusive! Jun is right to be mad at that guy >>) It was sad to see Nino so broken and so worried and at the end of his nerves, and also Jun being so torn and worried.
I also love that Jun saw that this whole thing wasn't only Nino's mistake, but also his! It was a really mature way of thinking from him!
I'm so glad that they talked in the end, and decided to give their love a chance. They can be both - lovers and also master/submissive. They just need to adapt to it. I'm sure they will manage <3
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I usually love BDSM-ish settings not real relationship stuff so this one was a challenge for me. Tbh, that's my limit! xD I don't know if it's too hardcore, at least on that type of relationship level but I tried my best to keep it on a certain balance. xP
I'm relieved that you found good the master/submissive dynamics because I had my doubts! Tbh I did think a lot of how it should be... tiring! xDD
I agree with you that these two chapters were the most intennse. Nino realized he needed more than just being Jun's sub but then also got confused and afraid of losing the other from his life. Jun, on the other hand, got confused, too, but as you say felt also responsible which is why I wanted to show things from his own POV. I think it was important to show his emotions and thoughts despite his 'cold' behavior and punishment for Nino. :( And yes his first master was the worst. Luckily, Nino found Jun! :)
They did clear things up and now all that rests is to find the new perfect balance in their relationship! ;)
If interested, after two whole months *coughs*, the laste chapter is posted! ^^
Thanks again for this wonderful comment my dear! <3