Part 1

Jun looked at the sleeping figure of his lover next to him. A shy smile appeared on his face as he stretched out his right hand to caress the other’s hair. He looked so peaceful like this… peaceful and beautiful… It was the exact opposite image of the one he had the first time they met. He still couldn’t believe how impulsively he had acted that night. It wasn’t like him to simply follow a complete stranger after a few minutes of their accidental encounter but then again, Nino wasn’t any ordinary stranger.

Jun still remembered the way his eyes were looking right into his… as if they were trying to see the real him, free of the walls Jun usually kept when he was around people.  He wasn’t a person who’d open up easily but Nino had inspired him to try… to take the risk for the first time in his life and now, that he was watching him sleeping like this at his side, he knew he had made the right choice.

Till then, he had never thought of himself as someone romantic but he realized it was only because he hadn’t met the right person. His first impression of his boyfriend was of someone fearless; an adventurer… later he realized he was someone who’d hide his feelings with mastery; someone who would turn shy at the sound of the phrase ‘I love you’; someone who’d look into his eyes and made him feel complete because of the love and the adoration he could see be reflected in them.

Jun was still lost in his thoughts when he felt the bed moving. He turned his gaze towards Nino just to find him frowning as he sat up better on the bed.

“You should have moved me a bit… my left arm is cramped…” the latter whined as he massaged his arm slowly. “You should consider yourself lucky that you’re this handsome!”

Jun chuckled. Nino was many things… he was also a teaser, a cute little teaser… “You’ll never change…” he mumbled with a soft voice as he leaned to press his lips on the so-said arm. “Is it better now or should I kiss it again?!” he whispered close to Nino’s ear when caught the way the latter was smiling at him and opened his arms. Nino didn’t seem to need any special invitation as he immediately snuggled in Jun’s embrace.

When time was allowing it, they’d pass their mornings like this… cuddling in bed. It wasn’t that they weren’t passionate; the dirty bedsheets that were covering them and the scattered clothes from Nino’s living room to the bedroom were the best proof to that but to Jun, moments like this were even more precious; it was such moments that showed him that he had taken the right decision. Keeping him in his arms like this was what he needed to know that Nino was the one for him.

He closed his arms tighter around his waist, causing the latter to be pressed closer to him. He loved the feeling of his body against his and that morning he needed it more than ever. That morning was marking a new chapter in their relationship. In a few hours, they’d finally move to their new apartment; the apartment they had chosen together. Jun would finally wake up every single morning with Nino at his side; ten months after that destined, first encounter. Ten months of pure bliss and meaning in his life. He closed his eyes letting the happenings of that night be replayed in his mind.

---

It was a quarter to midnight. Jun had been working since nine in the morning, preparing the last details for his upcoming fashion show. He was a perfectionist and wanted everything to have been inspected in the finest detail. He wanted to prove that the prize he had won as the best newcomer right after he graduated from the Fashion School wasn’t a coincidence. It was something he deserved but of course, that came along with tens of hours in his small workshop. The Christmas Gala was only four weeks apart and he wanted everything to be ready. He was someone who envisioned everything and couldn’t be less satisfied than the ultimate perfection.

After having organized the next day’s things needed to be done, he closed the workshop and hurriedly walked towards the metro station, wanting to reach home as soon as possible. His stomach was protesting and his head was aching from the six coffees he had had during the day to be able to work till that hour. Sighing, he climbed down the escalator in a hurry when he heard the characteristic sound the doors of the metro had when they were open. Once his feet reached the platform and without giving it a second thought, he started running as fast as his legs could carry him without paying much attention to his surroundings. It was only when he heard someone cursing out loud that he realized what had just happened. He had bumped with force on someone who had just got off the metro.

“Are you out of your mind?! Don’t you see that there are people passing by?!” Jun could only bow. “You don’t have the privilege to be the only one around, you know!”

“I’m sorry…” Jun mumbled under his breath.

He saw the other coming closer and felt his eyes checking him from head to toe. Involuntarily, he looked at the other as well. He was small-figured but probably around his age, despite the youthfulness he was emitting. Jun could even call him cute, as he looked closer. It wasn’t that he could be described as the typical good-looking type of guy but there was something about him that made the others pay attention to him. Jun could easily say that someone like him, with his youthful looks and powerful and, from what it seemed, strong personality, would be unlikely to pass unnoticed. Sighing, he lowered his head. It didn’t really matter whether the other was like that or not. Jun was tired and certainly not in the mood for any trouble or even any type of word exchange that night, even with someone like this.

“You should consider yourself lucky that you’re this handsome, otherwise we’d still go on here…!”

Jun blinked at the other’s comment. Had this guy just hit on him? He turned his gaze upwards till their eyes met. Surprised, he found the small-figured man standing only a few centimeters away from him. There was a clear smirk on his face but that wasn’t what caught Jun’s attention; it was the intensity of the stranger’s gaze, as if his eyes were trying to decode him. Under any other circumstances, he’d find it threatening; at that moment though, he didn’t know how to react or if he had to react in any way, in the first place.

“Don’t tell me that you don’t play for the team?! I can clearly remember your eyes stuck on my hips for a lot more than the appropriate time…”

Jun was left staring at the other who smirked wider, his eyes moving from his lips to his eyes. “You’re also cute when you’re at a loss of words!” the small-figured man said while trying to muffle a chuckle. “So cute, that if there wasn’t anyone else around, I would kiss these pouty lips of yours…” the last words were not spoken but whispered; dangerously close to his ear.

Jun could hear the sound of the next, and last, metro arriving but didn’t move from his spot. He couldn’t; not when the other had just spoken such words… not when he was staring at him with such intensity… not when his whole body was shivering…

“Your metro arrived. Bye-bye, cutie!”

The doors had opened, Jun could hear again the characteristic sound but his feet couldn’t move. His eyes were following the small-figured man who was now climbing up the escalator. Who was he and why did he have such an impact on him?! He didn’t know. He couldn’t explain. Without even realizing what he was doing, he found himself following the other. He couldn’t understand why he did that either… but at this moment, it was as if his body was moving on its own; any trace of headache or fatigue was gone.

“I must have made quite an impression to you to have you following me, cutie!” he heard the stranger say once they were out of the station.

“What’s… what’s your name?” Jun asked not being able to recognize himself. He was never open with people; always skeptical but there he was, asking some random guy’s name who had just called ‘cutie’ after having lost his metro. He was supposed to be going home; he was supposed to be thinking only of his warm bed that was waiting for him but the more he looked at the man in front of him, the more he found himself getting lost in those beautiful eyes.

“Nino… Yours? Because as much as I love calling you cutie, I think it is more appropriate to call you differently when we’re in public…”

“Jun.”

Nino smirked as he came closer. “It seems to me that you lost the last metro, Jun…”

“I will take the bus…” Jun replied fast, still unable to justify his behavior. He saw the other making another step forward and his heart started beating faster, his breath turning even more uneven than before.

“Since you already lost your train, what do you say to exploit it?” Jun tilted his head curiously. “I know a good bar right at the corner…” Nino continued, his smirk having turned into a smile.

“I…”

“Just a drink… so that you can say that you didn’t lose your train for no reason…”

Jun was biting his lower lip. He had never done that. He had never been the one to speak with strangers, have drinks with them or follow them like that. He only had two past relationships, both serious. Yet, he found himself walking side by side with this Nino. His voice was like a Siren’s song, enchanting his senses so that he lowered his barriers and locked away any trace of logic. He didn’t know if he was what others described as love-struck or not. He just knew that he wanted to pass more time with him.

Once inside the bar, Nino made a quick nod to the bartender, making Jun realize that they should probably know each other.

“Nino! It looks like your magic worked again…!”

Jun froze. He didn’t know how to interpret this. Was it usual for Nino to bring there random guys? Was he just looking for meaningless one-night stands?! If he judged by the way he had approached him, he could tell that he’d have no issues. Wasn’t he a random guy, as well? Everything pointed that he was…. Jun frowned at his own thoughts and, what surprised him, worries. Did it really matter to him? He didn’t know the guy… He was a complete stranger… He knew nothing about him; nothing but his name or more correctly nickname; Nino. Why wasn’t he able to move forward? Why was he frowning? Why was he staring at him expectantly? What did he want the other to say?

“Cut the crap, Aibaka and bring us two glasses of red wine!”

Jun was still lost in his thoughts when he felt Nino grabbing him by his hand and leading him to the bar stool.

“Don’t pay attention to him. He likes to tease me!”

“So, you don’t bring random guys here?” Jun asked staring straight at Nino’s eyes, surprising himself one more time that night. Since when did he ask such straightforward questions?

The latter, though, didn’t smirk; he didn’t laugh either. He only looked at him, his eyes locked at Jun’s. “You’re the second… after years…” This time his voice sounded unlike before; serious.

“Two and a half to be exact…” Jun turned around to find the tall bartender placing the two glasses of red wine in front of them. “Nino might be easy with words but difficult with actions… The fact that you sit here means something!” Jun was perplexed and it seemed that the bartender caught it as he continued. “Look… about before… I just wanted to tease him a bit… Sorry, if that worried you in any way. Sometimes I act before I think…”

Jun didn’t know what to say. Twenty minutes had passed by and he still hadn’t uttered a single word. Everything that night seemed surreal. His eyes were locked at the glass of wine in front of him. It felt like ages since he had been able to go out for a drink… He had devoted himself to his work. He had almost forgotten how it was to feel. Jun frowned. Was that the reason why he felt so lost? Maybe… Or it was him… Always wanting to have control… He looked up at Nino who was staring back at him with questioning eyes.

Maybe he had overthought about it. Maybe he shouldn’t run to conclusions before he even got to know the other. He wouldn’t lose anything, would he? He had lost his train, he had followed him to this small bar, he was sitting next to him… he should not take back the chance he had given him that night. His heart was beating too fast to ignore it. He had to listen to him… Nino didn’t owe him anything in the first place. It was him the one who decided to risk…

“Jun-kun, if you want to leave, I… will understand...” Nino’s tone showed a sadness that made Jun’s heart clench. Its fast beating quickly turned into a painful one. He didn’t like seeing the other like this. Even if he didn’t know him well… He didn’t like it. “I’m sorry for making you lose your train. I can pay a taxi if you want me to.” 

Jun could hear how Nino’s voice turned low, almost a whisper… trembling, hesitant. “I’m the one who followed you and came here…” he leaned closer, letting his hand trace feather-like Nino’s cheek. “Because… I find you cute, too...”

This time Nino didn’t say anything in return. He just blushed. Jun felt as if for the first time in that night, the roles had been reversed. He was gaining control while the other was losing it. There was something… that touch… that stare… Something told Jun that Nino, Ninomiya Kazunari, as he found out later, was someone who could understand him, even if there weren’t words spoken. He felt as if they could understand each other… or at least both sides were willing to understand each other. It seemed that this young man had multiple layers and Jun found himself eager to discover as many as possible.

For the first time in months, Jun could relax. After several weeks of thinking nothing else but the upcoming fashion show, he found himself smiling even laughing; and above all, he was doing it genuinely. He could see the way the other was listening to him, with his full attention on him, and something inside him told him that he had made the right choice that night. Risky? Yes. Wrong? No. That was proved again when they separated almost two hours later with Jun having Nino’s number in the memory of his phone.

It was almost 3 am, about to lie down with his mind trying to put everything in order, when he heard his phone buzzing.

From: Nino

I’m happy I had the guts to

call you cutie tonight.

Can’t wait to see you again, Jun.

Call me!!

Nino ^^

Jun couldn’t suppress his smile. He was happy the other had the guts to call him cutie but he was happier that he had the guts to follow him and call him the same way in return; happier than he had been in years.

---

Three weeks later…

“I didn’t know that you didn’t eat raw food. If I knew, I wouldn’t have invited you to a sushi restaurant… You should have told me!”

Jun was frowning disappointed with himself. He hadn’t thought that the other might not like it… Why hadn’t he thought of that?

“Hey… It was your choice because tonight we celebrated your great success in the fashion show!”

“Yes but…” Jun didn’t have the chance to speak as Nino’s fingers found his mouth.

“No buts…”

“Nino… I wanted you to enjoy yourself tonight and-”

“There’s a way to enjoy myself tonight, Jun…” every word was whispered in a slow, seductive tone, sending tens of shivers down Jun’s spine. “And you, too… I want to take care of you tonight, Jun…”

Jun didn’t need to spend time to realize what the other was implying. Like the first time of their encounter, he let the other lead him in the streets. His heart was thumping in his chest and his excitement was building up with every step. Nino’s hand felt so warm and right in his… and he couldn’t lie… he wanted to feel more; to feel everything the other had to give him…

In less than fifteen minutes, Jun found himself entering a relatively new building and after climbing up the stairs till the first floor, he was pushed inside an apartment. He didn’t have the time to register any information about the room. He didn’t care. All he cared about were these hot lips that were touching and sucking his neck; the hands that were trying in a desperate way to get rid of his jacket. Their clothes were unceremoniously left on the floor as they made their way to Nino’s bedroom.

Hands were roaming everywhere they could reach, lips were tasting every possible corner led by the husky sounds that were escaping from the back of their throats. They were both hungry for each other… Jun could feel the heat spreading all over his body but wanted to show how much he cared for the other. So far, he had never cared for the ones he slept with. He always focused on him, on his needs, on his satisfaction but not this time. Tonight, he wanted to watch Nino melt in his arm, moan his name breathlessly, look at him with glazed eyes, lost in the pleasure he was giving him…

Soon, the temperature in the bedroom rose; the bed creaked under their passionate movements; their moans and whimpers echoed on the walls…. Their bodies kept moving in perfect unison, as if they were made to fit so perfectly. That night Jun probably realized for the first time how much he loved the other. Seeing his lover arching his back, his head thrown back with eyes tightly closed sent shivers down his spine and made him even more eager to reach his own bliss. He took Nino in his arms, wanting to feel him as close as possible and kept moving faster while his eyes were locked with his lover’s ones. His body started trembling… he was almost there…

“I love you…”

Hearing this, Jun let out a husky moan. He couldn’t control it anymore… His body jerked one last time before his mind was covered by a sweet fog of pleasure.

“I love you, Jun…”   the same words were spoken once again, making Jun let out a sound that was between a cry of happiness and a sob.

“I… I love you too, Kazu!” he whispered and leaned closer to catch his lover’s lips, not realizing how the other had stiffed.

“Nino…”

Jun frowned. “What?”

“Call me Nino, please…”

Jun bit his lower lip but didn’t allow himself to overthink once again… not tonight… not now… He was told that he was loved… that was everything that mattered that night.

“I love you, Nino…” he repeated on Nino’s lips before pecking them softly.

His lover didn’t say anything more. He only wrapped his arms around Jun’s neck as if he sought for protection and Jun couldn’t deny him. He was still within the other but the latter didn’t move him. Jun wrapped, on his turn, his arms around Nino’s slim waist. He could stay like that forever…

---

Five months later…

“I wish I didn’t have to go…”

Jun chuckled and pressed his lips on the top of Nino’s head. “I have told you that you could leave some of your clothes here…”

“But your wardrobe has no space even for your clothes… let alone mine…” Nino was right. There was no space for Nino’s clothes. “Unless you bought another one!” Nino told him in a mischievous way as he kept playing with Jun’s fingers in his palms.

They were sitting on Jun’s sofa or more correctly, Jun was sitting on the sofa with his boyfriend on his lap.

“What if we buy a new one? Big enough for both of us?” the words slipped out of Jun’s mouth before he realized what he had said.

He felt Nino stopping his small caresses before turning to look at him with a hint of frown on his forehead.

“What… what do you mean?” his voice was surprisingly low, almost trembling.

Jun smiled as he brought his right hand to Nino’s head, brushing his fingers through the soft hair.

“I mean what if we bought things that would be big enough for both of us? Maybe a bigger place? So that the living room has enough space for my design desk and your game consoles…”

“Jun…”

“Would you like to move in with me, Nino?”

“Yes!! Yes, I want to move in with you, Jun!” Nino almost shouted in an excited way that reminded that of a young child just told that he would pass a day in DisneySea.

Jun chuckled and crushed their lips together.

“We can start up looking for available apartments!”

“Yes! We can do that… but later… now, I have something else on my mind…”

Jun couldn’t deny him. He let his head rest on the back of his sofa as a wonderful warmth covered him. They could always look later…

---

One and a half months later…

“I’m happy for you, Matsumoto-kun!”

Jun only nodded. He and Nino were at the bar, Nino had taken him the first night of their encounter. He was sitting at a small table with the owner and the bartender’s boyfriend, Sakurai Sho. Aiba Masaki was a close friend of Nino since the first year of high-school and even if Jun found him a bit too loud, he could tell that he was genuine and a good friend for Nino.

“Shouldn’t they have come back already? How much time does it require to make four simple cocktails?!”

Sho lit up his cigarette before turning his head to the bar stool where the two friends were talking in a low voice.

“I’m sure Masa will be bombarding Nino-kun with questions… You know how he is sometimes!”

Jun rolled his eyes. Yes… he definitely knew. “I’ll go and bring them along with our drinks…”

He walked towards the two friends who were speaking in a really low voice. That wouldn’t matter if it wasn’t for the serious expressions in their faces.

“Shouldn’t you tell him the truth? I think it’s already more than enough…”

It was obvious that the two friends hadn’t heard him coming.

“I know, Aiba-chan… but I’m also afraid. What if…?”

“You know I have supported you till now but I don’t think you can keep up like that… You will end up making a serious mistake… You must… Ah! Matsumoto-kun!” Suddenly Masaki’s voice turned high-pitched. “Are we this late?! Oops!”

Jun didn’t say anything. His eyes were locked on his boyfriend who turned to look at him without being able to hide his nervousness.

“I didn’t know that you two were having such a serious discussion… I mean I could-”

“I was just threatening Nino to make sure that he knows what he’s doing! You know…  this person here can be enthusiastic the first minute and disappointed the second!”

Jun wrapped hugged Nino from behind, resting his chin on the other’s left shoulder. “Is that so?”

Nino’s hands found his as he chuckled. “Let him say nonsense! I have made up my mind and I don’t change it that easily! I think it’s my Jun’s effect!”

‘My Jun’… It was the first time that Jun had heard his boyfriend call him like that… Perhaps it was nothing serious… perhaps he was worrying once again too much. The way Nino’s hands were holding his, the way his voice had sounded when he called him ‘his Jun’ were clearly telling him that Nino meant everything.

In less than a couple of minutes, they were walking back to their table. Jun’s and Nino’s fingers intertwined. 

---

Two weeks later…

“Are you sure about this Nino? If you think that we’re going too fast you can always tell me… There’s nothing I wouldn’t-”

“I am 1000% sure, Jun!”

“But…”

Nino wiped his mouth with the napkin and walked around the table till he was in front of his boyfriend. “I wouldn’t agree into moving in with you; if I didn’t want it; if I wasn’t sure about this… us. You make me happy, Jun. I feel happier than I haven’t felt for years!” he caressed Jun’s cheek. “I love you!”

Jun sighed. He looked deeply into his boyfriend’s eyes. He tried to read them and no matter how much he tried to find anything that would show him otherwise, he couldn’t. Warmth and care were reflected in them. His lips curved into a smile. There was undoubtedly something more in them… Something he couldn’t describe it but with only one word; love. “I love you, too! More than you possibly imagine, Nino!”

---

One week later…

“You did it on purpose, didn’t you?!”

Jun decided to give no reply. The truth was that he had… He wanted to celebrate Nino’s birthday at their apartment. He wanted everything to be perfect.

“You’re stubborn and sappy but you’re lucky you’re cute! You know I can’t handle so much romanticism!”

Jun chuckled, knowing well that Nino, no matter what he said, he was a sucker for romanticism. “I’m glad you find me cute, then! Will you call me sappy if I take you for dinner tonight?”

“That depends…” his boyfriend mattered in a low voice as his index was drawing invisible lines close to his shirt buttons.

“I’m talking of your favorite hamburger steak!”

Nino’s eyes lit up. “I love you!”

Jun chuckled once again. “Because you’ll get to eat your favorite food for free?”

Nino locked his arms around Jun’s waist. “I can’t deny that that’s a small bonus but… I wasn’t talking about this…”

Jun could see the fade blush that had covered his boyfriend’s cheeks and couldn’t help but smile widely.

“I know…” he pecked Nino’s lips before went to the door to put on his shoes. “I’ll come and take you from your work. Ok?”

“Ok!” Jun muffled a laugh when he saw the other sending him a bit overdramatically a kiss in the air.

He closed the door behind him but the smile never left his lips. He was happy…

***

Others may say that their encounter was pure coincidence, others fate; Jun, on the other hand, didn’t want to give an explanation, nor a reason. He just knew that in this life he had finally found the one. He would be stubborn, sometimes he’d act like a little brat, but above all, he would be someone who could understand him the most. 

“Where is your mind traveling again?”

“To you…”

“What?! You finally decided to make me your muse?”

Jun muffled a chuckle. Nino never failed to make him laugh.

“You know you’ve been my muse since that day…”

“Yes… but you never considered having me close one of your shows!” Nino’s answer came teasing, playful.

“As much as I find you attractive, you miss a couple of centimeters for a catwalk!”

“But we’re in Japan…”

“You know I want my shows to fit in the international criteria but… if you insist, I could organize a private one!” Jun replied amused, placing a small peck on the top of Nino’s head.

The latter curled up closer at the touch. “And how private that would be?”

“Very… I’d have the privilege to be the only guest…”

“That sounds perfect!” Nino moved a bit so that he could face Jun. “We should discuss things… you know like my payment…”

“You prefer cash or check?”

“Cash… Right after the show… I would like to know how satisfied both my employer and guest would be!” his voice came out huskier as he pressed his body on Jun’s.

“As much as I’d love to give you a small sample right now, I’m afraid the van will be here soon…” Nino frowned but didn’t oppose. “Come or have you forgotten your desire to christen every single room of our new apartment?!”

The other threw his hands up in the air, defeated. “Fine! Fine!”

Jun smiled as he ruffled his boyfriend’s hair. “You’re so cute when you know you’ve lost!”

~.~.~

One hour later they had put almost everything in boxes. Jun had finished with his yesterday and they were already waiting for them in their new apartment.

“I think that’s all…” Nino exclaimed as he saw everything around him.

“I’ll go to the bedroom to check it one last time!” Jun said but was stopped by Nino.

“I checked it myself. There’s nothing left…”

Jun frowned. Nino’s tone was a bit harsher than it should be or… at least, so he thought. He smiled before pecking his boyfriend’s lips. “A second eye never went wrong!”

Nino was about to stop him, clearly nervous, when they heard the door bell.

“You should open. It’s your apartment!” Jun didn’t give the chance to Nino to say anything more and went to his bedroom.

He wasn’t sure why Nino had insisted so persistently to pack the things of that particular room on his own, nor why there were only a couple of boxes when Nino was known for the things he kept even when he didn’t need them. He started looking around but found nothing left. With a shrug, he opened the wardrobe; again empty. He was about to close it when he caught with the corner of the eye something that looked like a small box, hidden at the deepest corner. It was made of the same wood as the wardrobe and if it wasn’t for the light, Jun wouldn’t have noticed.

With curiosity winning him over, he kneeled on the floor and took the box in his hands. He could tell that it wasn’t empty. But what was Nino keeping inside of it? Had he simply forgotten it? Or was that the reason for not wanting Jun help him packing his things from his bedroom? Jun felt his heart clenching as he opened it slowly. His eyes bulged and his heartbeat started raising in a dangerously fast, almost painful rhythm in his chest. There were letters… lots of letters; letters that seemed too similar… The handwriting was unmistakably the same which meant that the sender of all these letters was one. Jun dared to see the name written at the back of the envelops; Ohno Satoshi.

Suddenly, he felt the air leaving his lungs. The sounds that kept coming from the living room couldn’t reach his ears anymore. It was as if he was caught from the environment around him. All that he could hear was his heartbeat; all that he could see was that name. Ohno Satoshi. There was no doubt. This name belonged to the man that Nino was with before him… the one from whom, according to Aiba Masaki, Nino had broken up almost three and a half years ago. But if Nino was over him, then why would his letters be there? Were they so important? Wasn’t he important? Was he unable to make him forget about the other? And if so… then was Nino truly love him? Was he telling him the truth? Was he really happy with him?

The questions kept coming but Jun found it impossible to find any answers. With trembling hands, he took one.

My Kazu

You don’t know how much I miss you, baby. I wish that you were here… in my arms… I know I may sound selfish but since I moved to Osaka, we don’t see each other much. I know it’s difficult for you to find the time to come because of your job but the bed is always cold without you, baby. I close my eyes and bring your silhouette in mind, trying to feel your warmth, your touch. Last night, I dreamt of that time we were at our beach, watching the sunset…. I still remember the way you were trembling because of the soft breeze and sought warmth in my arms. I still remember your scent… You always want to pretend the strong and independent one when you want protection, affection, love…

Do you miss me, Kazu? I know you were never fond of speaking of your true feelings and emotions but now that we’re kilometers away I need you to say it out loud. Deep inside I know you do… I can see it in your letters, even if you don’t use the exact words. You are always my shy little baby. Always… Perhaps it was what attracted me to you first… Those beautiful, shy eyes of yours… that trembling, melodic voice… those small hands that you were never fond of…

Kazu, I have something else to tell you. Do you know what I found accidentally in my attic? That portrait of yours… the one that remained unfinished. I was looking at it and was wondering how could I be so stupid to leave it like this… but then again you always said it to me… how much of an air-headed I was… And like always you’re right…

When I saw it, when I saw the way the lines were mixed with each other, following the brush moves, I wanted nothing more but to finish it. I worked on it a bit even if I know that it’s impossible to portray the perfection of your face, of your skin, of the beautiful, soft curves of your body… I realized that I couldn’t do anything unless I had you here, posing in front of me! Will you pose again for me, Kazu? I know you teased me but would stay happily for hours… I want to see it on the wall in the bedroom… I want us, Kazu, to see it as we’re lying down on the bed together. I want to hold you in my arms and whisper in your ear everything that I feel… I… Ah! Sorry I got carried away again… But you’re my muse, Kazu… You’re my ultimate muse, my beautiful baby.

I hope to receive a letter from you, soon. I don’t know if I’ll be able to come to Tokyo, yet, but I’ll try to be there for your birthday!

I love you more than anything in this world!

I miss you, 

your Toshi

Jun’s sight was blurry. It wasn’t only the words, it was the numbers… the numbers that combined together were showing a date on the top right of the paper. 1 June 2017. There was no mistake that the letter was sent from Osaka on the 2^nd of June; almost one month after Jun’s proposal to move in together and two weeks before Nino’s birthday that were coming in two days.

Wasn’t Nino happy with spending his birthday in their new home? Wouldn’t he like the big surprise he had been organizing for the last three weeks? Did Nino wish to pass his birthday with his ex-boyfriend? Jun laughed bitterly. No. Not ex… From what it seemed, Nino had never broken up with him. To Jun’s mind came Masaki’s words. “Shouldn’t you tell him the truth? I think it’s already more than enough…” Now, he could finally understand what the other meant… why Nino looked nervous… he wasn’t overreacting. He had been right; unfortunately, right. It was too painful to bear it but Jun could finally put everything in an order. Those times Nino told him he had to leave for the weekend because of his work; those times that he avoided speaking about his past; those times he insisted to be called Nino and not Kazu; those times he’d fall silent staring blankly at the wall across the room or the ceiling; it was about him… Ohno Satoshi… It had always been Ohno Satoshi. Ohno Satoshi had the privilege to call him Kazu… Ohno Satoshi was the one who had his heart in the first place.

He opened other letters, even if he knew, that all he ended up doing, was to hurt himself. There were always declarations of love, sweet words, hints… And they were frequent… Nino was receiving them all this time that he was supposedly with Jun. Jun’s hand clenched into a fist, causing the paper he was holding in his hand at the moment to crumple. I guess I was nothing more than a substitute… a stable fuck… a way not to feel lonely while you stayed in Tokyo…

He wouldn’t notice that he had started crying, if it wasn’t for the hot drops on his hands. He didn’t want to let go… he didn’t want to show the other how much it affected him. He didn’t want to be seen as weak… not when he was played all this time…

“Jun, where are y-?!” the question was never finished.

Jun was still kneeling on the floor, his mind blocked. He didn’t move neither when he heard Nino calling his name again, nor when he felt the other’s hands on his shoulders, holding him with a force that showed an agony.

“These… these are old… Forgotten… Come… we need to-”

“Old?!” Jun couldn’t stand it anymore. “Is a letter, sent two weeks ago, considered old, Kazu?”

Jun saw the way Nino’s face turned pale. “Jun, I…” he waited but no answer came. He only saw his boyfriend’s head lowering, his gaze locked on his lap.

He smiled bitterly. “I’m sorry but I’m not interested in participating in any ménage-à-trois. You may have found it entertaining all this time but I guess it’s the end… Everything, no matter how entertaining it is, at some point comes to an end. I always thought today as the beginning of a new phase in our relationship. What I didn’t know is that there wasn’t one in the first place.  I guess today can be our end. Send my regards to your Ohno Satoshi and tell him I’m sorry for making his Kazu sad.”

Once he said everything, he pushed Nino back, not even caring if the other fell on the ground. He stood up without throwing another glance to him and almost ran to the door to put on his shoes. He needed to get out of there as fast as possible. The air was becoming suffocating in there. The more his mind gave him flashbacks, the more he realized that the hints were always there but he had chosen not to see them. He had decided to focus only at the fact that he was happy. Happy… he chuckled bitterly.

“JUN!” Nino called him suddenly from behind, desperation clear in his tone, but Jun didn’t stop. He couldn’t. Nino’s voice turned more and more desperate, pleading as he kept calling his name. The latter tried to catch his arm, forbade him to leave but with no success. There was nothing left for Jun to listen to… nothing he wanted to listen to…

The door closed behind him with a loud bang. There was no more ‘Jun’… Why would there be in the first place?! Kazu had his Toshi…

***

He was alone in the apartment he thought he would be sharing with his boyfriend. How stupid he was… Now, he knew that he shouldn’t have acted impulsively that night… he shouldn’t have opened himself to the other… he shouldn’t have let himself love… he shouldn’t have let himself believe that he was loved… What for?! There wasn’t anything but pain… His heart was bleeding, crushed as it was in tens of small pieces.

He closed his eyes and let his phone ringing again and again. He wouldn’t make the same mistake… not again…

TO BE CONTINUED…

A.N. Sooo minna here's a Matsumiya 2-part fic I've been working on for a while now! ^^ I know there's angst and a cliff at the end - you know me, don't you?! - but I tried to add some fluff moments as well! There are some hints but you'll find all your answers in the next one! I promise! :) And I'm also thinking of writing an epilogue... We'll see! ^^
My dear, learashi, I don't know whether this was what you had in mind but I hope that so far you liked it! ^^

I really hope you enjoyed it and as always your comments are <333!!!

See you soon,
Andy