Author: Andy-chan (antimiya88 )

Part 9

Sho had lost track of time. Feeling the other this close, having heard him calling him Sho and not Sakurai-san was enough to make him close his eyes and get lost to the rhythm of the music. The other’s hands were resting right above his trousers, his fingers attached to his leather belt, while the hips were moving sensually to the rhythm.

“You… like… me…?”

Was it a question? Was it a statement? Sho couldn’t decide but little did it matter. What mattered was that he had to stop. Not only was he doing something he shouldn’t in the first place, but also was turning hard.  He took a deep breath before unlocked Nino’s arms from around his waist, holding them firmly.

“You’re coming with me.”

“But we’re having fun…!” The other whined. “You are having fun… I can tell that you do…! So, why to spoil it? The night is still young!”

Sho didn’t reply. He just pulled him towards the exit. With the air hitting his face, Sho managed to come down to his senses completely and calm himself down. He hadn’t expected things to turn that way… neither had he thought of himself as someone this weak… but then again, he was only human; a human in love with this very person who came and hit on him. He sighed. It was obvious that the other wasn’t his normal self. Nino was drunk… that was a fact. What Sho hoped was that he was only that. The smell of substances, he had felt inside the club, was thick…, making him worry. He looked at the man next to him, still slightly unfocused.

Damn, Nino, what were you thinking?! he thought and sighed. The other was glued on him like leech, unable to stand on his own feet. Sho had one arm under Nino’s armpits so that he could hold him steadily until his car which was parked three blocks away. He placed the latter carefully in his car and drove to his apartment. It seemed like a déjà-vu to him as he checked on the other through his rearview mirror. Nino was lying down on the back seat, almost asleep.

“What will I do with you?” he mumbled under his breath, as he brought his attention back to the road and to the red light, one hand on the gear shift.

“Dance with me… I liked it…” the words came out as a whisper.

Sho’s eyes bulged. He hadn’t expected an answer. He looked at the other to understand if he was fully awake or not but couldn’t really see his face, as he was turned on his back with his legs folded close to his torso. A sigh came out of his lips but chose not to comment. He focused on the road, not daring to throw another glance.

By the time Sho arrived at his house, the other was asleep. He managed to hold him in the air, closing the car door with his foot, and locking the doors automatically by pressing the button of the keys he had in one hand. It was a difficult task but a few minutes later, he was finally entering inside his apartment. He brought Nino to the sofa and hurried to bring an empty bucket in case the other needed it. It wouldn’t surprise Sho at this state.

 He changed into casual clothes and hurried to the living room. The other was still asleep. He prepared some tea and went to sit on the small table in front of him. The dark cycles underneath Nino’s eyes were more evident than he remembered.

What has happened, Nino?

He buried his face to his palms and tried to keep any unwanted thoughts away. It was obvious that something had happened but the question was what?

A groan made him look up at Nino. The latter had opened his eyes, frowning.

“Where am I?” his voice hoarse, as he spoke.

“At my apartment.”

Nino let out a chuckle that, Sho believed, he had wanted to be sound carefree. “You must have missed me a lot!”

“I have.” Sho replied in a serious tone causing the other to look at him with wide eyes. “But that’s not the reason why I brought you here.” Nino tried to sit up but immediately fell on his back, probably because of the nausea he was feeling. “That’s the reason…” Sho pointed out as he leaned over him to make sure he’s ok.

“You… didn’t have to.”

“But I had to. And you know it.” Sho continued on the same tone.

Nino chose to say nothing in return. He closed his eyes, remaining hushed, before he flinched his hands wrapping around his stomach.

“Are you ok?”

“My stomach feels like a washing machine in the spin program.”

“That… I can tell… Here…” Sho helped him to sit up but Nino refused the bucket.

“Not here. Bathroom.”

Sho hurried him to the closer bathroom, the small WC for the guests. It hurt him to see the other being like that.

“G… go away!”

Nino was pushing him away with as much power as was left in him but Sho wouldn’t do him this favor. He made sure his hair was away from his face with one hand while the other was rubbing up and down his back.

“It’s ok.”

It wasn’t the most pleasant thing but couldn’t leave him alone in there. The other was still too weak to stay on his own. After a while, Nino fell backwards.

“Are you feeling better?” Sho asked happy to see Nino nodding. He flushed and took the younger man out. He brought him to the bathroom in his own bedroom. “C’mon, you can sit here on the bathtub and have a quick shower. It will help clean your mind. Also, in here,” Sho said as he pointed at the small cupboard next to the mirror, “you can find a new toothbrush. Wash your teeth to take away the bad taste. I’ll be right outside. Call me if you need anything. Ok?”

The other again responded with only a nod.

Sho smiled at him and got out closing the door. Once he could hear the water falling from inside, he hurried to the small wc by the entrance to clean it. He had just finished when he heard Nino calling him.

“Yes?” he asked as he entered in his bathroom.

“There’s no… uhm… towel…” Nino whispered, sounding much soberer than before.

“Ah… the stupid… a sec…”

Sho opened his closet and found one freshly clean bathrobe; the birthday present that he had received from Jun. “That will be fine…” he muttered to himself.

He went back to the bathroom and gave it to Nino avoiding to look at him. “I’ll choose a pair of… boxers and… some… clothes.” He said awkwardly.

“O…k…” the other replied in a tiny voice.

Was it Sho’s imagination or Nino was speaking in a similarly awkward way? He shook his head fast.

“It’s probably your imagination…”

He had just placed on his bed a black T-shirt when he realized Nino was standing next to him, his eyes locked on the clothes. Sho’s lips curved into a shy smile, seeing him in his bathrobe. It was a little big for him but that was what made him look so damn cute.

“I still haven’t returned the clothes… And now, you’re lending me more.”

“I don’t care about the clothes, Nino.”

“Of course, you wouldn’t; you have too many of them.”

“No. Because it’s you. You can keep them; the same way, you can keep these, too!”

Nino looked at him, a little frown marking his forehead. “I don’t deserve it… any of it…”

Sho sighed. He turned on his side so that he could look Nino in the eye. He made the other turn as well, so that he couldn’t avoid his gaze. “But you do.”

Nino let out a bitter chuckle. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. You don’t know me; you don’t know my story.”

“I…” Sho was about to speak when he realized he couldn’t. Ohno Satoshi had spoken to him confidentially. He bit his lower lip not knowing how to continue.

“I know that you’ve spoken with Ohno. This man’s just too stubborn.” Nino said in a rather casual way, making Sho look at him with wide eyes. “You appeared at the konbini… And every time you did, he would mysteriously have some work to take care of. And then, tonight… You appeared at that shitty hole of club. I had only informed Ikuta-kun of my whereabouts, but it was you who came instead.” Sho was about to speak but the other raised his hand, in a signal to remain silent. “I don’t judge him. A part of me expected that he wouldn’t leave it like that. The problem is, though, Sakurai-san, that even Ohno doesn’t know the whole truth. No one does. I have kept it buried deep inside me, because even remembering it makes me sick. But the thing is that no matter what Ohno believes, what you believe, I know better how much I deserve! Allow me to be the one to evaluate myself!”

“But you can do nothing to change what I believe about you, Ninomiya Kazunari. You may see someone who’s worth nothing. I see a man who’s hurt; afraid; in denial to feel human because no one ever gave him the chance to. I may not know everything but I know that you deserve to be loved.”

“I-”

“I told you when I came to the konbini. I’ll make you feel human, the way you made me feel human.”

“Do you say that because you want to have your way with me? And don’t try to deny it. I felt it… at the club… it may have been a blur but I could tell that you were showing some interest!”

“I am attracted to you…”

“So, you admit i-”

“…because I have fallen in love with you.”

Nino tried to free himself from Sho’s grip but couldn’t. “Bullshit. That’s pure bullshit.”

Sho took Nino’s right hand and placed it on top of his heart. “Is it? I know it’s crazy… but it happened… You made me smile; you made me feel more alive than ever in this determined and perfectly programmed life of mine. You came and showed me how life should be.”

“You can’t…” Nino whispered in a trembling voice as tears filled his eyes. “We can’t…”

Sho couldn’t believe his ears. Had Nino just said that they couldn’t? We… Sho kept replaying the word in his mind again and again. Then, it means that Nino was also…

“Who says so, Kazunari?” Sho asked him, feeling his voice weaker. The other gasped at the sound of his first name. “I’m in love with you. I care about you and I know, now… I know that you care about me, too.”

“No. It’s-”

“Our choice, Kazunari.”

“Stop calling me that, Sakur-”

“In the club you called me Sho.”

“Please…” Nino whispered more and more defenseless.

“Look at me, Kazunari.” Sho whispered as he circled his one arm around Nino’s waist, bringing him closer. “You’ve told me that I’m a smart person. If I am one, then, I presume I can tell if someone’s worth it or not. And I’ve decided that you do. I wouldn’t have fallen in love if you weren’t.”

“Sak… S… Sho…”

Sho saw how Nino’s eyes were focused on his lips, mirroring him. He leaned closer, his eyes asking for permission. He was only a few centimeters away, his lips almost touching the others, when he stopped for a few seconds. In the slightest indication of refusal, he’d stop but that never came. He only saw Nino licking his lips, probably unconsciously, which was what he needed to know that he was allowed… allowed to do what he craved for, for almost one and a half months now.

The moment their lips met felt as if his whole body was electrified. He had meant it to be soft, reassuring, but couldn’t control the intensity the moment he felt Nino tilting his head, his arms wrapping around his nape, in an attempt to pull himself closer and deepen it. It was as if they were both suppressing their feelings and now, that they finally had the opportunity to express them freely, couldn’t control them anymore. Their bodies were the ones in charge, seeking for the warmth, the confirmation… all the longing, they kept hidden all this time. It was a mix of tenderness and sweetness, along with intensity and passion.

He could only leave a breathless moan when he felt the other parting his lips, allowing him to slip inside. He didn’t care if Nino was tasting too much like toothpaste at the moment. What mattered was that was Nino; they were linked together. This intimacy between them couldn’t be described with words. It was pure magic. Sho’s hands cupped Nino’s face to tilt it, wanting to dive deeper into that sensational hotness, to taste every single corner of the mouth so selflessly offered to him.

He dared to open his eyes for a split of second, just to capture the abandoned in the kiss face of Nino. It was the most beautiful sight his eyes had ever met. Nino was letting him take the lead, but he didn’t want that. He could feel Nino trembling when he encouraged him to act freely. It was obvious that the other was taken by surprise not expecting it. Probably, he was never allowed to be that way with previous lovers, which made Sho’s heart clench painfully, but he was not like them. Maybe they were jerks, whose only wish was to take, but he wasn’t one and never intended to be. This was something they shared. He didn’t wish only to take… he also wished to give… to show to the other that he could have him, however he wanted, because he had already won him…, way before he could realize it. They were two men, equal, who’d share a moment of ultimate – at least, for Sho – bliss.

He had stopped thinking. He couldn’t… He was only feeling; feeling how it was to keep the one he loved in his arms, knowing that his feelings were in a way returned… that this warmth inside was not experienced just from him. He moaned when he felt Nino’s hands, moving from his nape to his hair, getting lost in it, touching it in a way he had only dreamt of. It felt electrifying… amazing… perfect. But above all, it felt right. He was finally giving in the feeling, not in the logic, and for a change it felt more deliberating. 

He moved away only when he felt out of breath. He could tell his face was hot, flushed, his lips swollen, if he reflected a similar image to Nino’s one. He let his thumb brush over the lips before it went to caress feather-like his cheek. He was smiling. For the first time in his life, he was smiling with his whole heart, reminding nothing of all the pretentious, fake smiles he had to show to people. He noticed how the bathrobe had slightly opened on top revealing a part of Nino’s collarbones. His hands came to secure it close, covering Nino’s nakedness.

“Get dressed, now. I’ll go to the kitchen to prepare something light and boil water for fresh tea.”

The other only nodded. He didn’t meet Sho’s eyes, as if suddenly had turned completely shy. Sho smiled and pressed his lips softly on Nino’s forehead. He heard the surprised gasp that escaped from the other’s lips but chose not to comment. He didn’t want to bring him in a more difficult and awkward situation than he already was. Sho could tell he was confused… It may be because of a different reason but like him, the younger man was someone who’d keep a façade, who’d always wear a mask in front of people, and now, he had gotten rid of it, showing a piece of his real self and that was scary… Sho could understand. He threw him one last glance before he opened the door, finding him standing at the same spot while looking blankly down on the ground.

I will prove to you that you don’t have to worry…, Sho thought as he closed the door behind him.

Sho couldn’t believe it. He had called him Kazunari. The other had called him Sho. He had confessed that he was in love with him while the other hadn’t denied that he felt something similar. He had kissed him and he was kissed back.

It felt like a dream…

---

“You came…” Sho whispered when he saw him walking reluctantly towards him. “Here,” he continued giving him a plate. “I’ve prepared a toast. It’s only with cheese and ham but I think it’s enough to help your stomach feel better.”

The other took it without saying a single word, nor looking at him. “You want to sit here or in the living room?”

“The living… room…” Nino answered with a soft voice, his lips biting the corner of his lips.

“Whatever you want.” Sho told him encouragingly.

They sat on the sofa, Nino curled up on one of its corners, in total silence. Sho was happy to see the other munching his toast, despite being lost in his thoughts. Half a minute later, the plates were on the small table, empty.

Nino was sipping his tea when he spoke out of the blue. “Have you thought that your… feelings… for me…,” the words came out as a whisper, “may be nothing more than confusion with pity?”

“Why do you insist on not believing me? Did the kiss we shared imply I pity you?”

“I said that you’re confused.” Nino insisted, his gaze lowered on his lap while his hands were holding the mug with the tea so tightly that his knuckles had turned white.

“Pity and concern are two different things, Kazunari. I never pitied you… not even when I found you beaten that night. You know, a friend of mine, argued that our encounter was meant to be… fate.” It was that phrase that made Nino turn his face to him, looking at him torn between being curious and surprised. “I think it was,” Sho continued, his gaze locking on Nino’s.

“Because from that first night, I cared about you. Pity is for those people who’re responsible for their fate… not for those who have tasted so much pain in their lives. You know… unconscious, you reached for my hand, when I was placing a wet cloth on your forehead, as if you were asking me not to leave. I realized how much you needed to feel someone by your side… and I don’t know… that small gesture clicked in me; All I know is I wanted to never leave your side. My motivation started out of my own experience but it was you who made me want to try more. You’ve inspired me, because I realized what I’d been through was probably nothing comparing to you. Yes… I thought that even before I got to know something about you. And then, you started opening up, you laughed while watching TV.”

He took a deep breath before he continued talking. “I realized how much strength you hided inside, even if you were afraid to admit it; a strength that made me stronger as well. I admired you. It may have affected my job, as you said, but it was because I had no answers… I had no real means to help you… not because you affected me in any negative way. You gave me a meaning in my life. You made me feel… in a way I had never in my whole 32 years of life. I may sound like a dreamer, at least, naïve to you, but it’s my whole truth; raw; naked.”

“You don’t know what you’re saying.”

“But I do.”

“I don’t deserve you… It’s… it’s madness…” the other whispered, moving awkwardly at his spot. It was obvious that he was getting awkward.

“Let me decide that for myself.”

“But-”

“I just want one thing.” Sho spoke, cutting him off in a gentle voice, his hand cupping Nino’s right cheek. The latter turned on his side, his eyes seeking to find the truth behind his words. “I want you to not think… not overthink… and believe in me and my feelings. I told you I wouldn’t love someone who didn’t deserve it.” Nino opened his mouth to speak but no sound came out. “Please, Kazunari…” Sho whispered the moment he realized Nino’s eyes were looking at him, glittering. His hand, that was still resting on the latter’s cheek, caressed the soft skin feather-like, to reassure him… to make him realize that he had nothing to fear.

“Sho… you don’t know what you’re saying…”

“Kazunari…”

“But you’ve seen them, haven’t you? My marks… I’m sure you know what kind of marks they are… You know that I’m someone-”

“Who deserves to feel treasured and loved and who has every right to be happy in this life.” Sho finished his words for him. “Ohno Satoshi cares about you. I care about you. Do you really think we would if you weren’t worth it?”

Sho’s heart was pounding crazily in his chest. He could see how the other’s chin was trembling, ready to give in the sobs that were threatening to take over.

“Sho…”

Sho took the almost full-with-tea mug from Nino’s hands and wrapped his arms around him. “Shh… Cry if you want… Take it all out… But I promise you that no matter how much you doubt, fear, hesitate, I’ll make you see things from my point of view. I’ll make you see you the way I do. It doesn’t matter how much time it takes. I’ve made my decision.”

“You don’t know many things about me… Once you find out, you’ll get sick of me…”

Sho sighed. “I won’t change my mind, Kazunari. No matter what I find out. Because I know that you are a genuinely good person… Not always our choices reflect our true decisions… Sometimes, it’s the circumstances that force us.”

He could feel how the other’s grip on his parka’s sleeves tightened, as if his life was depending on it. That alone proved how much in need of human contact Nino was. He was a scared animal, abused his whole life, afraid of letting his heart feel. He tightened his hug in return. He’d make Nino see things differently. He had sworn it the day he found him again.

“I’ve found you, and I don’t intend to let you walk out of my life… ever again…” he whispered, closing his eyes.

They stayed like that, Nino now calm in Sho’s arms, until the latter’s phone vibrated.

“I bet that’s Ohno.” Nino whispered as he leaned back, freeing himself from Sho’s grip.

Sho cleared his throat. “Tell him that I’m here and that I’m ok. I’ve caused him enough trouble these past couple of months.”

“You’re not mad that I-”

“A part of me was… very much… but then, another part, smaller, was… happy…”

“Happy?” Sho felt his heart pounding louder.

“Yes… because I got to… see you…”

“Kazunari…”

“Reply to him.” Nino repeated as he stood up and took the plates and the mugs in his hands. “I’ll go and wash these.”

Once Sho had texted it Ohno, he came to find Nino in the kitchen, who was now drying his hands.

“Ready.”

“Thank you.” Sho said almost in a whisper. “Uhm… It’s… late… We should sleep…”

“Yes.”

“I’ll prepare the guest room for-”

“Can’t I sleep with you?” Nino’s question made Sho bulge his eyes in surprise. “I… don’t want to be alone tonight… I just want to be able to sleep… Being in your arms… I don’t know… it makes me feel peaceful… safe…”

Sho smiled, as he approached the other. “I also feel peaceful when I keep you in my arms, Kazunari.” The other flushed him a quick, shy smile which won Sho’s grin, right before the latter pecked the tip of his nose. “Cute. Come…” Sho had stretched his hand, his grin turning wider when Nino, hesitantly, put his in it, allowing him to lead him to his bedroom.

In a few minutes, they were both under the blankets. Nino had snuggled close to him, letting his head rest in the hook of Sho’s neck.

“I believe you will behave.”

Sho didn’t miss the hint of playfulness in Nino’s voice, making his heart flutter in happiness. He chuckled softly, before kissing the top of Nino’s head. “I promise you I will. Sleep, now…”

A few minutes later, he could feel Nino’s steady breath, landing hot on his chest, followed by the tiniest snore he had ever heard. “Sleep, my love…” he whispered, allowing his head to fall closer to Nino’s nesting him. His eyelids started feeling heavy. It had been a difficult day, full of surprises, anxiety and worry. Now, it felt like katharsis. He drifted into a deep sleep, so much needed.

---

When Sho opened his eyes, he felt lighter. Frowning, he looked around just to find his bed empty.

“Kazunari!” he called out loud but no answer came.

He was about to get up when he saw a piece of paper folded on his bedside table. Had the other left again…? But why?

Why this time that he had opened up to him, confessed everything? He’d thought his words had reached him but it seemed that he had made a mistake. With trembling hands, he unfolded it, surprised to find a full-length letter.

Sho

This night was the first night I slept without any nightmares chasing me. I woke up with a smile on my lips. Just seeing your sleeping face and being able to reach it and caress it was enough to make me feel… happy? Probably that’s the right word. Yesterday, I was reminded once again how useless I am… I felt so low of me… I wanted to forget who I was and why I was still living but then, you appeared. You and your words… With every one you uttered, you made my heart beat faster… It was as if everything was turned upside down and then, it was your kiss.

I need to confess something. When I was still staying at your apartment, one night, I had entered secretly in your bedroom. That night, I had stolen a kiss… It had made my head spin around but it wasn’t something you had given me. I guess I had fallen in love with you since then… It was why I left… I was afraid to stay more knowing that this wasn’t my life… But yesterday, you kissed me… and I felt like melting. I felt like crying. It was too much… unbearable… but somehow it also felt… right. This morning, waking up by your side felt right.

This is the reason why I left. Don’t misunderstand me, Sho. I didn’t escape. Somehow, you confused me. You made me wonder about myself and about my worldview… about everything I take for granted. I cannot believe when you tell me that I deserve to be loved… but on the other hand, a part in me wants to, yet is afraid…. Too afraid to let go of all my walls. I’m someone who’s broken, Sho. You don’t deserve someone broken. I… For the first time in my life, I want to try and find out if I’m capable of something else, something more. I don’t know if I’ll succeed in doing so, but what I know is that I want to try. If I am by your side, I want to be someone who’s really worth it; who believes in himself, who believes that he’s worth it… he’s worth being with you.

I don’t know where the road will lead me to. It’s an unknown path. I’m scared but I’m also determined to see how far I can reach. In doing so, though, I need to be on my own.

Know that I do love you, Sakurai Sho. I didn’t dare to admit it in front of you. I confess it, now.

And, please, take care of yourself. I want to know that you’re also doing your best. You told me that you think our encounter was fate… meant to be. I want to believe it myself, too, which is why I wrote you this letter.

Every word comes from the bottom of my heart.

Please, wait for me…

Kazunari

*My cellphone number’s 8573569515. I will be expecting the photos of your dinner. Hope they’re not limited to instant ramen!

Sho was left speechless. He hadn’t expected this. He was feeling sad, of course, but also… proud and… happy. Not only had the other told him that he loved him, loud and clear, but also that he wanted to try… for them.

“Kazunari…”

***

Nino was sitting on the small chair, his hands tapping his knees while he was waiting. He was nervous. The more he waited, the more he felt his heart pounding painfully hard in his chest. Had he made the right decision?

After what it seemed like an eternity, he heard the high-pitched voice of the nurse calling him.

“Ninomiya-san? You can enter. The doctor’s waiting for you.”

Nino muttered a thank you under his breath and stood up. He walked till the big wide door where he could see the sign clearly;

Department of Psychiatry

Aiba Masaki, M.D., Ph.D.

Entering in the room didn’t mean he was admitting he was crazy…but broken who wanted to put an end to it.

“C’mon, Nino. For him… and you…” he whispered trying to find the courage and pushed the door open.

This was for both of them.

TO BE CONTINUED…

A.N. Sooo minna here’s chapter 9! ^_^ Sho took him back to his apartment! I think even if Nino didn’t speak much, somehow, they came closer! Sho finally said the l word to him and… they kissed! *applause* Also, Nino asked to stay with him, not wanting to pass the night alone! :) It’s a big step for him!
He may have left Sho at the end, but this time, Nino left a letter in which not only did he confess his feelings to him but also gave him his phone number. So, he won’t disappear from Sho’s life exactly. I chose to “separate” them in a way because I think it’s a road Nino needs to walk alone.
And yes! As some of you already said, Aiba’s a doctor! ;) I had told you his role in this fic will be very important!! I chose to make him a psychiatrist and not a psychologist because the first one is a real doctor. From now on, you’ll also be able to understand Nino better as he will explain the situation with his family and the conditions under which he had to go to the orphanage.
I really hope you enjoyed it and as always, your comments are <333!!!

See you soon,
Andy ^_^