Part 10

When he opened the door, he didn’t know what to expect but certainly couldn’t have imagined to find a young tall man, not older than 35 years old, in a white coat, sitting behind a large oval desk.

“Are you Ninomiya Kazunari?”

“Y… yes.”

“Please, take a seat.” The doctor said with a wide smile that took Nino by surprise. Weren’t the doctors supposed to be serious, hidden behind big glasses? “I’ll close the door, don’t worry.”

Nino sat awkwardly on the chair as told.

“So…” the doctor said as he searched his data based on the questionnaire Nino had filled when he had come to the hospital for the first time and asked for an appointment. “I see here that you suffer from anxiety and sometimes panic attacks. Hmm…” The doctor frowned a bit as he continued reading the information Nino had filled in. Nino knew it was about the other part… the way he felt about himself… that wasn’t simply a low self-esteem; it wasn’t depression either. Even if he was no expert, he could tell it was a combination of things. “Tell me… do you take medication? Or have you ever taken but stopped?”

Nino shook his head negatively. “I… was prescribed pills before but…”

“Never took them, I suppose?” The doctor finished his words for him.

“Yes…” Nino whispered lowering his head. This certainly wouldn’t make a good impression on the other. The truth was that Ohno had taken him to psychologists and psychiatrists before, but never had visited any of them for a second time; he always denied to take any pills prescribed for him. If he did, then, she would have proved right. That he was a freak. He couldn’t cope with that.

“It’s nothing to worry about, Kazunari-kun.” The doctor smiled when he saw his patient’s surprised gaze. “I hope you’ll allow me to call you by your first name. I want us to create a team and in order to do that successfully, we need to build a strong, solid bond. The politeness rules will only set a certain distance between us and this is something I wouldn’t want. Are you ok with it?”

“Uhm… yes… of course, sensei. You know better.”

The doctor laughed. “Alright then, Kazunari-kun. So…” he continued turning his gaze back to the information. “I see here that there have also been issues of self-harming.”

“These have stopped.” Nino suddenly jumped in wanting to prove to the doctor that he had managed to overcome something? No… most probably it was to prove to him that he was a step further.

“Really?” The doctor asked, clearly curious to hear more. “Kazunari-kun, I’m here to help you, not judge you. Don’t be afraid to speak, whenever you feel like it, simply do it. Interrupt me with no hesitance… whatever it might be. In here, you don’t have to hide anything, even if you consider it unnecessary, stupid, or of little worth. Sometimes, the key’s hidden in those small details… Ok?”

Nino nodded.

“So, you told me that you’ve stopped self-harming.”

“Yes.”

“For how long?”

“Uhm… Close to two months, now.” Nino whispered.

“That’s impressive, Kazunari-kun! And I mean that!” The doctor hurried to add when he caught the questioning gaze of his patient. “Did something happen?”

“I… I met someone…”

“Oh… Go on, please.”

“He saw them but didn’t comment; didn’t look away; didn’t look down on me either.” Nino mumbled his gaze on his lap, realizing for the first time how much that night had marked him. “It was strange… I was used to be judged and mocked for them but he hadn’t. I don’t know… I just didn’t want to have any more on my body. Does it make sense, Aiba-sensei?”

“It does, Kazunari-kun. Think of it this way. People are social by nature. We seek approval, acceptance, even if we do it without realizing it. It’s why when there’s a certain mode in fashion, everyone follows it more or less faithfully, to give you a simple example. We also respond to positiveness and not criticism. This person didn’t judge you, and that made you subconsciously want to thank him.”

Nino frowned. He had never thought of that.

“I believe he’s the reason why you’re here at this very moment, too?” The doctor asked with a gentle smile.

“Yes and no.” Nino replied in honesty. “He’s someone who has a very different opinion of me… His words… I don’t know… they had… an impact on me…? He just… made me wonder if I was the wrong one… I want to see if I can really see myself the way he does? So, I thought I had to try.”

“You know, Kazunari-kun? The first step to success in that is actually having the courage to enter this office. Psychiatrists are often called doctors for the crazy ones… which is totally wrong. When your stomach is aching and you’re having fever, you go to the pathologist, when you have issues with your eyes you go to the ophthalmologist, when your ear hurts, to otolaryngologist. Why can’t people accept that when your soul is aching you also need to seek help? Psychiatrist is a Greek word and means the doctor of the soul. We all have souls… not just those people who have mental issues but that’s another chapter. You came here on your own. This person may have been the motive but not the reason. The reason is you. It’s your choice to come here and face your demons and that alone means that you’re a strong person.”

Nino was left blinking. “I don’t feel strong, sensei, but… I want to be.”

The doctor flashed him a reassuring smile. “Together, we’ll do it. I won’t invent something that doesn’t already exist. I will help you discover this strength of yours and unlock it.”

Nino was astonished. The way this doctor spoke had made him forget all his nervousness, feeling relieved and as crazy as it may sound, even a little stronger.

“But in order to do that, we’ll have to hit the evil at its root… which will be painful… but we need to explore everything. I need to understand you, in order to help you.”

Nino gulped. “I… understand…”

“I want you to remember one thing, though, Kazunari-kun. I will never put pressure on you. We’ll go by your rhythm. If you feel it’s more than you can handle, we will stop, right at that moment. Ok?”

“Yes.”

“You’re not alone. We’re together in this.”

Nino nodded. He could feel his heart pounding but the doctor’s presence was somehow reassuring.

“I read in your file that you grew up in an orphanage.”

“Yes, from the age of fifteen.”

“Was it an accident? Did you experience it, as well?”

“You mean my parents?” Nino asked sighing when he saw the nod. “I kind of… wish it was…” he continued whispering before he could control himself.

“You want to say that it wasn’t an accident? Did someone… kill your parents?”

“No.”

“Then, was it due to different causes? Did they perhaps face problems with alcoholism or drug use? Because I suspect from your age that they should have been very young…”

“Uhm… No… I mean… I don’t know if they’re dead…”

“You… don’t know?” the doctor asked looking at his patient with a small frown.

“My father?” Nino murmured with a small shrug of his shoulders. “I have no idea. He was never around. I don’t even know his name and to be honest I don’t care. My mother…? No one informed me of her death, so I suppose… she lives… somewhere…”

“You mean… she abandoned you…?”

“Yes.”

“Did she face economic problems? Wasn’t anyone who could have helped you? Grandparents maybe?”

“Not that we were rich but it wasn’t such an issue. And no. There were no grandparents.” Nino was feeling his heart starting beating faster with every word he uttered.

“Then?”

“She…” Nino took a deep breath before continuing. “…couldn’t accept that her boyfriend was trying to have his way with her son… Her ego didn’t let her have a competitor, as she believed I was, in her own house.” Nino chuckled bitterly when he realized that the doctor wasn’t speaking. “Not that she had ever cared about me… but at least, she’d bear my existence…”

“Could you talk to me about the way she was with you before… all that…?”

Nino took a deep breath and continued on talking. Strangely, the moment he started speaking, it felt easier… a lot easier than he believed it would, so he kept going. He hadn’t noticed how his eyes were filled with tears, nor how much his voice was trembling. It was painful but liberating, as well. All these years, he was desperately trying to forget that his mother was never there to place a cloth on his forehead when he was ill, never read him a bedtime story, never passed time with him; never listened to him. What was more important was her love life. He was only a hindrance… The memories, the feelings kept coming, hitting him violently but didn’t stop. Then, he remembered how she made him ask from their landlady her understanding if they couldn’t pay the rent sometimes, because she knew the middle-aged woman had a soft spot for him. He had never liked it but there wasn’t much he could do… his mother would always remind him that he had to thank her for the food and place to sleep she was offering to him… He also remembered how she had called him ungrateful… how she wanted to exploit him into her advantage…

He stopped at some point, closing his eyes, in order to take a deep breath. The words were coming out of his mouth shaky and weak. He tried again; he wanted to continue but the doctor’s voice made him hush.

“Kazunari-kun, please, it’s more than enough. Here, have a glass of water. Take a break.”

Nino took the plastic glass placed in front of him with trembling hand, and drank the water in one go. He hadn’t noticed his throat had turned this dry.

“I…”

“I will be honest with you, Kazunari-kun. You truly amazed me. I could tell that you let your mind open, let everything out, and that’s good.” The doctor told him with a smile that showed he was proud of him, making him also feel a little proud of himself. “What I want us now is to discuss how you interpreted this behavior of hers towards you…The evolution of your feelings, if you want. Is that ok?”

“Yes, sensei.”

“Did you feel neglected?”

“In the beginning, I felt… sad… I only wanted my mother… After the first couple of years, though, I think I… got used to it.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Eh?”

“Even if you realized that her behavior wouldn’t change, this doesn’t mean that it still didn’t affect you. Did this feeling of need to feel her closer to you turned into anger? Sadness? Numbness? What?”

“Anger… I’d say…”

“Towards whom? Her or you?”

“Her… in the beginning, but she wouldn’t allow her puppy bark. It was then she started saying hurtful things to me…”

“I don’t need you to tell me now, what things she was saying to you. What I want to know is how these things affected you? Did you speak back?”

“No. I knew I couldn’t do that. So, I did the only thing that was left to me. I got angry with everyone else… When I was seeing children laughing with their parents, I’d get angry… Why should they be happy when I couldn’t?”

“Ok… Go on…” the doctor whispered not wanting to make Nino lose track of his thoughts.

“But then… In the beginning of puberty, I realized I was… homosexual… She called me broken… sick… disgusting… How nature was proving her right… Some children realized it at school, because I had a crush for our PE teacher. They mocked me… called me names. It was the first time I thought that maybe she was right… Maybe she had a point, and I was just being stubborn, afraid of accepting the truth. But then… little by little the anger subsided… along with the pain it was bringing. I became… numb…? Maybe that’s the right word.”

“Numbness doesn’t appear simply like that… It means giving up… but that’s usually because something makes us…”

“She…” Nino’s hands were clenching into fists. “… told me that since I was this useless I could at least do something… for her… That was when I just stopped being angry… She…”

The doctor saw how the other had frozen. He remembered clearly saying how she wanted to exploit him, and he could already take a guess of what the other was about to say, but didn’t want to put on more pressure to him.

“Kazunari-kun?” Masaki said with a warm smile. “It’s enough for today.” Nino was still breathing fast, not being able to control himself. “Focus on my mouth,” the doctor continued as he tried to help his patient regulate his breathing.  “Look at me. One… Two… Inhale… Exhale… Follow me… Again…” he kept doing it until the other was finally fine. “Are you alright? Do you feel better?”

Nino nodded, his breathing having turned back to normal.

“First of all, I want you to know that I’m really proud of you, Kazunari-kun. You did a marvelous job.”

“You really believe so, sensei? I… feel…”

“I think I can understand what this important person of yours saw. I know it will be difficult in the beginning but I can tell… The real you, this strong person, you keep inside hidden, wants to get free of its fetters, and he will. We will do it together.”

Nino let out a faint smile. It had been torturing to have to relive all those events and feel all the emotions of rejection and hurt from his childhood that he had tried to keep locked in the darkest corners of his mind. But in the same time, he could see the attitude of this doctor. He was so different from what he had thought he would be… It was difficult but now that he had heard his words, he felt emotionally exhausted but somehow… a little proud of himself, too.

“Now… I would like to discuss something. And I’m not talking about your mother, but generally.”

Nino nodded with a small frown but said nothing. He didn’t know towards which direction the doctor would lead the conversation.

“Why do you think people mock other people?”

Nino hadn’t expected such a question. He tried to think. “Because… they have fun?”

“Hmm… Alright. If they have fun, then Why would they do it that way? What do you think?”

Nino scratched the base of his nose nervously. “Maybe because they don’t know how to have fun differently?”

“So, you’re saying that hurtful comments are coming to them because it’s something they’re familiar with?”

“Y… yes… I suppose.”

“So, does that mean that they have experienced it, too…? Being themselves receivers of such comments and words, I mean.”

“I don’t… know… Maybe?”

“How to all babies learn the skills they will need in their life? Not just humans… animals, too. We are all animals after all.”

“They see their parents? And others…?”

“That’s right. By mimicking.”

Nino frowned. “So, they say those things because that’s what they’ve known…” he whispered realizing what the doctor had been wanting to tell him.

“It’s our interaction with the other people in our close environment that forms the way we interact with everyone else.”

“But if that’s so, then, why didn’t I become like this?”

“Because people react differently to the same situations… it’s all about defense… Others defend themselves by attacking others, others, like you, Kazunari-kun, by avoiding to feel… You said it earlier… that you felt numb… Can you tell me one more thing?” Nino nodded and the doctor continued. “Would you consider this kind of behavior a way of authorizing others? Seeking power over others?”

“Yes…”

“Ok. And now, a last one. Do you believe someone who yells and try to make people think low of themselves as someone strong or weak?”

Nino frowned. He gave it a lot of thought. “Weak…?”

“Why do you say that? Explain your way of thinking.”

“Because… uhm… they need to belittle the others in order to feel stronger? If they were strong, they… wouldn’t need that… I guess…”

“Ok. I see… May I sum up what you said?”

“Ok…”

“First, these people have themselves experienced verbal violence, because that’s also violence, even if many don’t consider it as one, which means they’ve also been abused. This automatically proves us that they’re trapped in a vicious circle that affect anyone who’d get close to them. And second, they’re weak… because they need to make the others think of themselves in a bad way, to trick with their minds, if you want, in order to feel strong and good with themselves… which lead us to what result? They’re not something different. They’re as weak as you… they just camouflage it by victimizing others… but it’s all a lie. They lie to themselves.”

Nino was left thinking. The doctor was right. His mother was weak… like him… So why did he give trust into her words? He shouldn’t have…

“Kazunari-kun! Look at me and stop thinking! Listen. Don’t try to blame yourself for something you shouldn’t. Such people are quite successful, especially when they’re exploiting feelings… like it happened in your case. This woman was your mother… one of the most important people in a person’s life, the most crucial… What I want you to do is to focus that your mother is also a victim and that she’s not more powerful than you. This will help you realize little by little that all those words of hers also are not that powerful… and then, slowly you will come to believe that they’re not powerful, that in reality, they are of little importance… and they will have lost any worth left until they vanish completely. But that’s a long way to go. It’s easier said than done. But we’ll do it together. It’s complicated… I know… and painful, but I promise you, we’ll find the way out of that maze that your mother and everyone else have created and got you trapped in.”

Nino nodded.

“What we want is to free your soul and mind from all these burdening feelings; to restore balance. Feelings are chemistry. When we fall in love, oxytocin is being released in our body, causing us to feel that certain way. When we are anxious, adrenaline along with other hormones makes our body being more on alert. The same thing goes with sadness. During these moments we feel a certain way, the balance isn’t there. The case with depression, especially if it’s linked to traumatic events, is that this state remains for more than needed and gradually gets worse. I will prescribe two pills. The one is antidepressant. Think of it as something that will help you find this balance. The pill will help your brain find the right track. It has nothing to do with mental issues. It’s all about chemistry. Some people’s thyroid doesn’t work perfectly and take thyroxin to restore it, some others with diabetes need to take insulin doses to restore the balance. In your case, it’s exactly this. You understand its purpose… Because I want you to understand what the medication is and why you need to take it.”

“I… understand, sensei.”

“Ok… You will be taking one every night, with full stomach. The better you become, the less you’ll be needing it. Ok? The second is only for the nights you find it difficult to sleep, but don’t worry! It’s 100% natural. Nothing strong.”

Nino took the paper, nodding.

“I would also suggest you keep a daily program. Wake up and sleep at a certain time, and follow a healthy diet. Fruits are important and also one small chocolate piece every day. You can’t imagine how nature gives us everything we need.”

“Thank you, sensei.”

“We’re done for today. I’ll see you next week, the same hour.”

“Thank you.”

“It was a pleasure, Kazunari-kun. A positive surprise for me! Have a good rest of the day!”

---

Nino was tired, very tired, but also, with each step he made down the street, he felt more confident. The doctor had explained everything. He had helped him see things from a different scope; not because he had lectured him, but because he helped him seeing it himself. He had come to explain some things… in a way he had never done before. Maybe… it would work…

***

Masaki sighed happily when he slipped his feet into his slippers. He could smell his favorite Bolognese sauce being prepared in the kitchen. He smiled when he came closer and saw the figure of his boyfriend cooking. He always loved seeing him in the kitchen. It was Jun’s creative corner, his personal therapy and mean of relaxation after a long, hard-working day. For Masaki, it had also become a way to ‘decongest’ his mind from a day at work, filled with patients. He absolutely loved his job, but sometimes it could be mentally tiring.

Unlike the majority of his colleagues who would just sit there and pretend to listen to the person in front of them for the half an hour, or however amount of time an appointment lasted, thinking about the money that would get into their pockets right afterwards, he was someone who wanted to earnestly help his patients with everything he had. His professors had told him that he was too empathizing for this job, yet he considered it a pro instead of a con. It was tiring, exhausting sometimes, but it was what made him feel full at the end of the day. His goal was to help these people find some ease, come in terms with themselves, find the balance that would help them live their life to the fullest, explore it and exploit it in a way they wouldn’t imagine. He thought of the soul being of the same importance as the body.

Sighing, he walked closer to the other till he was standing right behind him. He breathed in, enjoying the familiar scent that invaded his nostrils; the cologne he had brought him as present, mixed with his lover’s very own scent, sweet, yet masculine, virile. It was what brought him to life, even when he was almost out. He placed a soft kiss on Jun’s nape, despite knowing how sensitive the other was at that part of his body, and let his hands wrap around the waist.

“You’re lucky I heard you…” was Jun’s comment winning a chuckle from Masaki.

“I know that you did,” Masaki whispered, his chin resting on Jun’s left shoulder. “I wouldn’t do anything you don’t like… Hmm! It smells heavenly…!”

“I put on all my magic!” Jun replied as he stirred the sauce once more, right before he checked the pasta that was boiling in a tall pot on its side.

“Thank you…”

“In 5’ we’re having dinner.” Jun announced and after he had wiped his hands on a small piece of kitchen roll, he turned around to meet Masaki’s eyes.

“You look tired…,” he whispered, his voice reflecting concern as his thumb came to caress his lover’s cheek.

“Today, I had some difficult patients. The one with manic-depressive psychosis…”

“Ouch.”

Masaki sighed. “Then, there were cases of personality disorder…”

“Bipolar?”

“Yes, most of them.” Masaki replied. “And one new… depression, self-harming issues. I’d say it’s mostly fighting with demons…”

Jun wanted to ask him more but knew his lover wouldn’t reveal information about his patients. Medical confidentiality. He’d only mention what type of his cases he had in a day, and that mostly when he really had a tough day.

He was taken by surprise when Masaki hugged him tightly out of the blue. “Just hold me, Jun.” He sighed but nevertheless took Masaki in his arms, holding him close to his body. Something had hit him stronger than the previous days.

“Is it so hard to not have prejudices, to think positive of the other people, to have your heart open to love? Why do some people enjoy living in a darkness that consumes them?”

“Such people are in need of help.”

“Yes, but they don’t seek it… and they make the others suffer. As if they’re feeding on their sadness and suffering. And other people are… so lonely…” Masaki was angry and sad, Jun was certain about it. “I’m so lucky… So lucky to have met you”

“Thanks to that reservation mistake!” Jun commented to lighten up the atmosphere a bit.

Masaki let out a short laugh. “I will always be thankful to that restaurant employee who had made one reservation extra that night!”

Jun pulled Masaki slightly back to see his face. “Me too! How else, would I have suggested we share the table?”

Masaki smiled. He gave Jun a quick soft kiss on the lips. “I love you so much, Jun.” he whispered his mouth almost touching Jun’s, half-parted one, breathing in his lover’s scent. “So much.”

“Me too, my love.” Jun replied, staring deeply into Masaki’s round eyes, and a fond smile on his lips. A ticking sound was heard. “Pasta’s ready! Take a seat, Aiba-san.” Jun said mimicking a waiter. “Your food will be served in a minute.”

Masaki laughed. “Oh, I can’t wait!”

They ate in the kitchen, Masaki asking for Jun’s day and the project presentation he had had. Almost half an hour later, they were snuggling on the sofa, drinking a glass of red wine. It wasn’t that they drank alcohol every day, but from time to time, it was a nice way to help them relax. They chose to stay in a comfortable silence. Masaki liked that. They didn’t need to ask something; the other would know what they needed at each time; as if they had a deeper connection.

It was a quarter before midnight when Jun suggested they went to bed. Masaki didn’t refuse; he couldn’t… he only wanted to feel the other. It was once Jun closed the bedroom door that Masaki pushed him against it, his lips dangerously close to the mouth he craved to feel against his. There wasn’t much need for persuasion. Soon, they found themselves naked on the bed, bodies entangled, moving in perfect unison, creating the rhythm they needed to find the bliss together.

Masaki had closed his eyes, his mouth was left open in need to find air, his face flushed and covered in sweat as he was feeling hotter and hotter. He could only tighten his grip on Jun’s hands, as the latter kept them at each side of his head, their fingers intertwined. Only Jun was able to awaken every single cell of his body, making him feel an indescribable pleasure. His back arched beautifully, as he came closer to the end. He moaned his lover’s name out loud when with one final thrust of Jun, his whole body trembled, reaching his orgasm, followed a second later by Jun, who fell on top of him, breathless.

He could only smile tired, when Jun brushed his sweaty hair, with a loving smile on his face.

“My love…”

Masaki smiled wider. Could it be the afterglow? But to him, Jun always looked more beautiful after they made love. “It was wonderful, Jun.”

“It’s you who is wonderful…” Jun replied and pressed his lips on Masaki’s forehead. He was about to move when Masaki’s hands came to forbid him from doing so.

“Don’t… not yet…” Masaki whispered, holding his lover close to him, connected as they were.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

Masaki breathed in and smiled. Jun was his home…

***

Nino entered in his room, holding a bag with fresh groceries and fruits, and another, smaller one, from the pharmacy. He was exhausted, yet strangely energetic. Aiba Masaki had proved to be way different than he had imagined. He could see that the other was really listening to him, always with interest and not with boredom as expected. There was something in his casual way of speaking and the warm smile that made him look approachable. Maybe that had made him relax… or it was just the need to get rid of those haunting memories and feelings; something he hadn’t realized before. Whatever the reason might be, Nino had ended up revealing much more than he had imagined.

He had never spoken of his life before the years of the orphanage. Ohno only knew that the woman who had given birth to him was not meant to be a mother. He had never mentioned the role her then boyfriend played… He stopped thinking for a moment and chuckled. How could life be sometimes funny? Wasn’t it that very same person, that he had come to see a few days before, and made him go to that shitty bar? But also, wasn’t it thanks to this bastard, that he had come closer to Sakurai Sho and now, he was back into his room after having visited a doctor?  Yes… life could be funny… Bitterly funny, of course, but still funny, because after hitting bottom for one more time in his life, he was now swimming towards the surface.

---

Two days ago…

“Ninomiya? Is… that you?”

Nino froze, his hand on the beer package on the supermarket shelf.

“It is you!”

Nino closed his eyes. He could recognize this voice. It had been years… many years since he had last heard it but could still recognize it among thousands.

“The last time I saw you, you had black hair. Is it a trend for your kind to have bleached hair, now?”

Nino took a deep breath. “You should know that.”

“Hey!” The tone of the other changed. “Stop speaking bullshit, kid.”

Nino turned around and met the face he wished he could forget after a little more than twelve years. “I’m not a kid and I don’t speak bullshit.” He walked closer. “And you may say that I was only imagining things but my mum wasn’t. And her accusations were pretty clear, weren’t they?”

“You and your crazy mama misunderstood things. You mistook play for… interest.”

“So, touching people’s asses is play for you?”

The man smirked, coming a little closer. “Don’t tell me you didn’t like it, kid. I had seen you know… the way you’d stare at me every time I got out of the bathroom, once I had showered… and then the magazines… I was only doing you a favor-”

“That no one asked you to.” Nino cut him off. “Though, a part of me is thankful. Thanks to your little… play… most of the times in front of her she got angry with me, accused me of trying to steal her man and sent me to an orphanage. It wasn’t paradise but it wasn’t hell either; at least, not like the one I was living in till then.”

The other burst into mocking laughs. “Yeah… I see the impact… Bleached, yellow hair, pale, thin… and still a fag… Like you could become something better.” The man took a bottle of vodka before he continued. “The saying is like father like son but since you’re a bastard, I’ll say like mother like son. It was good to see you, Ninomiya…” A chuckle came out of the other’s mouth. “Good… luck with your… shitty life!” and with that he left Nino alone.

Nino saw the beers he was still holding and decided to leave them there. He got out of the supermarket immediately. His heart was pounding fast. Why should he meet this man he hated so much? Why should he remind him what he was really worth of? To prove to him that he was someone who didn’t deserve love because he was useless just like his mother? His hands were clenching into fists. His eyes were filled with tears. He was angry; angry with the woman that had happened to be his mother; angry with himself for being weak and still affected by that bastard’s hateful words.

It was time to go to work but didn’t get up to get ready. He felt paralyzed. He stayed in his room, lied on his futon, staring at the ceiling until it was dark outside. He went in the bathroom to throw cold water on his face. He looked at his idol.

“You are a fag… a useless fag…” he mumbled to himself. The pain suddenly was unbearable. He needed to forget. “Ni-chome…”

He didn’t know why he had texted Ikuta Toma, or more correctly he didn’t want to admit it to himself. Maybe deep inside he had decided to ask for help and not fall deeper into that shitty life of his, as that bastard, had named it. He hoped someone would appear at that club and take him away… Deep inside, he hoped it was… him…

--- 

Nino took a shower before preparing himself a salad with rice and canned tuna. It wasn’t equal to fresh fish but still was better than everything he used to eat. He was alone but felt hungry… not just for food; more than everything, he felt hungry for life. Once finished, he grabbed an apple and went to sit on his futon. There was a hint of smile on his face as he kept munching, his eyes locked outside, on the dark sky.

He knew Ohno was aware of his decision, since he was speaking with Sakurai Sho, but hadn’t approached him; he behaved normally, and Nino was grateful for that. What made him happier though was the small hint of sparkle in the older man’s eyes, he could distinguish, every time he was talking to him. He wanted to make him proud, too.

He had just taken his pill, when he heard his cellphone vibrating. His heart skipped a beat when he realized it was no one else but…

“Sho…” he whispered, his hands trembling as he opened the picture in full-size.

He smiled when he saw that the other had sent him a photo of pasta, with grated cheese on top, followed by the comment ‘a little overcooked; missing salt but better than instant ramen!’  This man, even with something as simple as that, made him feel as if he was someone else… even if it lasted for a few seconds.

He put on his pajamas, and lied on his futon, taking his phone in hand.

To: Sho

You know you can add salt,

anytime you want though, right?

Not as good as when the water boils

but you can save it a bit… or pepper.

It makes wonders! ;)

His smile grew bigger, as he sent the text.

From: Sho

I’ll make sure I follow your advice next time.

Any more tricks you can suggest?

Nino sat up, his fingers moving fast on his phone.

To: Sho

Yes. Ready-for-use sauce. For someone of

your capability it’s forgiven. You should

choose one with vegetables or pesto!

He was about to lie down when the next text came, making his cheeks blush.

From: Sho

Noted. May I ask what did you have for dinner?

You’re not the only one who wants to make sure

someone’s eating healthy!

To: Sho

Salad, rice and canned tuna.

He sent it just to curse under his breath, his fingers typing fast again.

To: Sho

And an apple! Do I pass?

From: Sho

Not with honors but you do!

I’m not really the one to speak…

well… with that supposed-to-be pasta

for dinner!

Nino was debating whether he should send it or not, but then, before he left Aiba Masaki’s office, the doctor told him he should be honest; with everyone around him and most importantly with himself. He took a deep breath before starting typing.

To: Sho

Thank you, Sho.

The answer came immediately.

From: Sho

I keep my promises! You asked

me to send you what I have for

dinner and I do it!

Nino smiled. He knew the other had realized what he was really meaning but had chosen not to bring him in a stressing situation and think he had to speak, if that wasn’t what he wished for. Even like this, the other showed him how much he could understand his needs… His heartbeat had accelerated dangerously fast when he pressed the send button for the next comment.

To: Sho

For everything.

The reply came in a blink of the eye.

From: Sho

I love you, Kazunari.

Nino’s eyes widened. He felt his throat getting dry, his hand was trembling but he did it.

To: Sho

I love you too, Sho…

The other, once again, replied fast.

From: Sho

It’s late, you should sleep.

You always care about me… Nino thought as he typed his next text.

To: Sho

You, too. You have work tomorrow.

Goodnight, Sho. Sleep well.

“I guess that’s ok… It sounds… ok…” He was nervous as he saw that it had been delivered. He had never spoken with anyone like this. He was 27, almost 28, yet he was feeling an awkward excitement every time he sent and received a text, like a teenager. He shook his head. This man was somehow giving him the opportunity to experience too many different things in such a short period of time…

From: Sho

I’ll keep you close to me…

Even if you’re not here.

Goodnight, Kazunari.

Nino felt his cheeks turn hotter, as he read Sho’s last text. Your choice of words…

He picked his phone and typed a short ‘me, too’, before he placed his phone next to him and lied down. He was smiling. He couldn’t be sure whether this night would be without nightmares… but at least, he knew that every time he’d wake up, he could think what the doctor had told him, look at these texts on his phone and find the needed strength to close his eyes and fall back into sleep.

This time, he knew he wasn’t alone and was determined to fight back. He had to… because now, he had a reason to fight for, and that alone was enough.

TO BE CONTINUED…

A.N. Sooo minna here’s the chapter 10! ^_^ I know it’s sad… but now, you know a little more about Nino… He’s been through a lot which can explain why he’s like that. I need to say that I’m no specialist, and don’t know if that’s the right approach, but tried my best to explain different aspects. This time, there’s also some Junba! We finally get to know them a little better and of course, some Sakumiya! They may not be together but they’re closer than ever! ;)
This is the longest chapter I’ve written in this fic and hope it wasn’t too tiring for you to read! ><”

I really hope you enjoyed it and as always, your comments, even the smallest ones are <333!!! 

See you soon,
Andy ^_^